again, i cannot keep my promise to myself. i hate this. i keep repeating doin the same thing. the same mistake. the same bad things all over again. this is so bad. i am in holy month right now. ramadhan kareem. few days away to eid and i am currently at home. just got back from uni yesterday. what a journey to be here. a day full of waiting. i keep postpone from writing. for real, i have a lot to write and to tell here. a lot.
i wont deny. here is so hot. the weather is extremely hot. i need to find another spot to write and which is my brother's room. not much better but better than mine. need to settle down few things while am here. well, most likely regarding my previous educational loan. i have become active repayer and i need to postpone this and that. few things. am a bit scare. a bit anxious. but girl sokay, you gotta settle this one by one. relax. (though i cannot)
talking about my bad habits. i thought i could handle that, apparently am not! bitch you weak. i still doing that. how toooo stop please:( am tired. get close to Him. i know. but i didnt do it. what kind of demon is inside me God help. i am currently have nobody to talk to about myself. all my friends are busy with their life. and i should not bother them. they have rights to live their life and not to think about my silly ass. i cant tell this to my family. obviously i cant. i cannot tell this to my friends at uni. we just got to know each other. there are still boudaries and in fact they wont believe me. i dont have anyone. i just have myself and sometimes that is tiring to only have yourself at the end of the day. i need somebody to pat on my back sometimes not just my own hands. i need somebody to hug me and listen to all my nonsense not just the other side of me. not just me and my demons. i need somebody to really know that i am struggling, to check on me, to ask me how am i handle my anxiety today. how am i face my stress and stuff today. but knowing me, i keep pushing people away. how can i have one... this is why i dont really favor being at home. being alone at home makes things worst. makes me become worst. i cant be alone please. anybody please listen to me, i cant be alone or it will come to me again.