looking back to see and realizing things

i mention this in every of my social media after the end of week 14, semester 2 is full with tears and lot of unwanted emotion. meeting new people and getting close with people i never expect i will get close to. bringing them into my life in such a very unexpected way and the bonding we had, is something i do not know how to precisely describe. i swear to God, when i first step into degree life there, i promise to myself to not get close with anyone there, to set the boundaries with whoever i be with, housemates or even classmates. i had enough with disappointments and i do not want to be in that phase anymore. i cannot get close with people because i know things will get worse cause i am easily attached to them. i will get sad if i don't get the same treatment from that particular person anymore. i am afraid if i cannot handle the situation. just like what i am facing right now. i am not gonna write about that person, nope. but someday. 

 

what 2019 has taught me so far? to be honest, i do not know what every year has taught me. did i ever learn something throughout every year that has passed. i have no idea. i start my 2019 in some place. far from my hometown. far from familiar faces i have know. be in somewhere where nobody knows me. start my new journey at a place i never thought i will be at. but there i go. and almost finishing two semesters of my degree life there. final exam is just two weeks from now. i am totally not ready for that. for sure. how was my degree life so far? i don't know how to describe it. it is totally way different from diploma. life gets triple times harder here. i got better friends, i must say. the way they support each other in everything we do. i am amaze by that. maybe because of the different surrounding. most of them came from the area, the way they think, is different. from my circle before. in a good way. we got so close like a family and that is what i am afraid of actually. towards the beginning of semester 2, we can see the gap. we can see which one can be considered as what we want them to be consider is. and i start to realize that people not gonna stay the same. forever. nope. but i am glad to be in this opportunity of learning a lot of new things. i hope this journey will become  a lot more great and adventurous for me and my friends there. deep inside, i do not want to end this life as a student. i am surely gonna miss every single little thing i did as a student now. hold back that tears girl, this post is not about the end of me being a student yet. but ya i just remember one thing that 2019 give me to think about. accepting. i need to learn more on that. and there's lot of things to work on regarding that. accepting in many ways. accepting that not all people gonna stay forever in your life. accepting people into your life, because until when you wanna block the open door of your life. accepting advice from others. accepting that you, yourself, make mistakes too and that's okay. accepting that we have so much to improve. and many more of acceptance in this life. including accepting to move on. the only thing that stuck with me since 2017. but ya don't worry dear self, i am working on that, very hard, every day. 

beginning of nov

i was so down these past few days. so many things happening and so many feelings i felt inside me. this is so annoying until i cannot focus doing my works. there are tons of tasks and assignment needed to be done but i got stuck. fuckin shit. i cried to Him during this maghrib. i feel so burden by this feelings but i dont know what to do. i need to express everything inside but i cant. i feel like crying every single day even if i was at public, in the class, walking or even if i was with my friends. i hate those situation i swear to God. too much on mind until i express my anger instead of my sadness. to the wrong person. that is my fault there. i felt so guilty towards the person. all i want is just a good relationship with every person around me. but all i did is hurting everybody. why i always act like that and regret afterward. cant you think wisely before saying something, girl? stupid me. 

but i am so grateful for having good and supportive people around me. indirectly they give me support words and motivation for me to keep going further sometimes they makes me forget all the heavy feelings inside. i try to keep myself busy this semester so that i wont think this too much but i cant ignore it when it comes. those people who are with me together struggling in this path are always there to remind me to not stop and telling me that i can do this. and they are also reminding me that i am not alone, facing this life difficulties even if it looks hard but trusting yourself is important. that is why there is words saying "believe in yourself". it is also one of the hardest thing to do. believe in yourself they say. but when youre in your lowest point at that moment because of yourself, what choice do we have anymore? 

i try my hardest to keep more positive than before in this blog. but i cannot help myself when i hit the keyboard when i was down or in need of expressing something that i cannot let it out through mouth. week 10 is coming and there are a lot of shits need to be done. new theatre performance is coming, end of this month. i will be super busy. i really hope my mental health will be just fine through these challenging weeks. 

end of october quick post

i realized that most of my entries are so sad, depressing and gloomy. i promise myself to start look at the positive side of this life. i promise to live a better life. to make myself feel ease even with all the things going up and down recently. i realized that every time i want to get on the right path, i got lost. and every time i want to get back on the right track again, i got distracted with unimportant silly things. i dont want to be the version of me when i was teen. that sucks. i neglect my studies and focus on the stupid unnecessary things. why dont i keep writing like how i used to when i was in high school. random daily days on what i did, what i love, my achievement, my friends and my surrounding. expose the real me. i have been hiding behind dqueen and mikael for so long. until i forget, who i really am. what i really want to achieve in this life. expose to myself what i am capable to do. i kept saying to prove to people surround me on what i can actually do. but i forget to prove to myself, the things that i used to love, the things that i passionate about. this semester got me distracted. i almost forgot my purpose. my pointer from diploma drop when i enter the first semester at palam. even though it wasnt that bad but still. to me, it is. i forget that i am 22 fucking years old. struggling each day to get the damn scroll aint that easy. get back on track, girl, get back on track. try to balance your life as student, as a human being, as a friend, a daughter, a lil sister. keep doing what youre suppose to do. what you really want to do. dont be such a lazy bitch. and keep complain what am i like this. youre not in teenagers year anymore. youre grown up woman. for the sake of your life, your self, please keep motivate. it is not wrong to have a day full with depressing and sad quotes, listen to sad songs, but please continue live your life to the fullest. youre wasting your time, your precious time by entertaining your anxiety. you can control it. even though the thing is inside you, but you own the body, you can control it girl. 

second last day of october. i have cancel my plan with baby to ipoh. i am so fucked up with all the task and assignment that needed to be submit after mid break. there are a lot things i need to finish and i runs out of time! but ya, i am still making time to make this entry hehe. i am very sorry and feel so guilty towards her. the thing that ive promise her months ago! but suddenly i have to cancel everything. i know i am not a good friend. luckily she is okay with that but i know deep inside she feels upset too. i wish i could just go to her and forget about all the task that needed to be submit. i wish. i miss her so much. it has been almost a year i did not meet her. i hope we could meet later. i hope! 

lets turn it up

few days to november. i am currently in midterm break. away from all the hectic situation. just for a while. i dont know why this semester seems like stressing me out. it is just second semester but i feel so out of control. i choose to keep busy this semester. i choose this way. i got distract by lots of things tbh. i should not let myself controlled by that. i know. letting a person into my life and getting close to them can distract my purpose there. i need to set the boundaries. dont let it down. i got a week to recharge myself. to see this again, in a different view. i missed a lot of time, a lot of things. i keep procrastinate when doing something especially the things that i like. or enjoy doing. how to keep consistent in doing something? God, i am still looking for that answer. 

last month i joined something that i've been wanting to be a part of it. i joined a theatre team. take part into one competition. and unbelieveable we won first place. it was a very great experiences and wonderful memories. i have been wanting to join in theatre since i was in school and finally now, i got in, when i am in degree life. it is funny though, when i think about it. back then when i was applying for university after school i really wanted to further in theatre studies. but of course i cannot pursue in that course because i think about my family, they absolutely wont let me take the course if i got in. but thanks to Him, i got the chance to gain this experience. my passion towards this stuff is growing and i hope i would do it for real, i would do it to the fullest of my heart. inshaallah.

won't just stop here

was in my brother's car with him, my nephew and my mom. brother driving all the way from putrajaya to puncak alam. sending me off to college. after two days being at his home over the weekend. i dont know why i make decision to stay at his place. knowing that i will keep feeling uncomfortable and will definitely feel the pain, again. but ya, still going there. spending time with mom while shes still here in putrajaya. before she is going back to perlis. i dont like being around with my family especially when the stress and the tension is come. i will go mad and behave like a bitch. back to the first sentence of this entry, while i was in my brother's car all the way back to college. the heavy feelings come in and knock me down, hit me hard. it was raining at that time. i was struggling having a battle with my self. i could not help myself but the feeling to drop my tears at the moment is real. brother was beside me and obviously i can't let it drop. i cannot. trying so hard to hide it. but i managed to do it. when the water from the clouds up there fall down and hitting the car heavily, i feel sick, my heart pounding, fast, i reminiscing all the situation, the things happen back then, few days, weeks, months or even a year ego, that is sick! 

every fucking time i am typing message to send it over to some of friends, wanted to tell them how this feelings and thinkings keep distracting my life, my self, i delete it. i changed my mind. what is the point if i let them know. no. they can't know. they dont have to know that i am still struggling every single day to stop these thinkings. my heart feel so heavy. everything i did feels so wrong. every decision i make doesnt turn out good. every person i cared about, dont even give a damn about me. how selfish i am. and right now, sitting in my new room in college, writing this crap again and again. put the depressing words into this virtual world. keep this here. keep the struggle i face every single day. here. 

this is tiring

i didnt go out from here for almost more than a week. since kakak went back to sepang. every night i tell myself i must go out tomorrow. but when the morning comes, i cant even get out from my bed. i feel so restless, weak, demotivated, useless, unworthy and all. i keep having those feelings every single day. this semester break, i should be doin something productive, jogging or at least go for a walk. i cannot go out w my friends because i have none. i am fine w that. before this i could just go out all alone, all by myself. but idk why this past few weeks i become so unenergetic. i dont feel like talking w my parents. i just wanna stay in my bedroom. sleep all day. why is this thing happening. to me. i got no one to talk to. every night, every at the end of the day, i really want to talk w somebody. to express this. but i cant. my friends are very busy handling their own life, why would i wanna make them think about unimportant stuff like this? i need a shoulder to cry on too. weh, this is seriously tiring. i couldnt express my feelings to anyone. sesak. there's too much on my mind. too much. 

random thoughts

of being second choice to everyone. the need to speak more louder to get people to hear me, what i was saying or asking. i am tired of all those things. being the last person to be remembered. people only come to me when they need something. when they need a shoulder to cry on. when they need a person to let it out. when they need a person to just listening to their part, their stories. until they are done with that. they leave. and i am struggling all alone again. putting effort to be in someone's good memories. putting effort to keep in touch. putting effort to make people smile. putting effort to fulfill their needs. and then i'm back with all those heavy feelings, all alone. though all of those things, though i am tired of those, i am still willing to help and cheer them up. be there to just listen. cause i love them. actually, what does love really means? love is, making other people happy though you're not? love is, you care for somebody even though they're not? 

too much things running through my head, every single day. my life, my study, my parents and family. my future. and everything. from the smallest thing in world, to the huge one. i cannot stop thinking until i feel the pain sometimes. i want to cry but sometimes i cannot till i need to find reason to. i cared too much about what people say and think about me. i cared too much about whatever i do that might hurt anyone else.i think about how to be better. in every aspect. about how to not let someone else down because of me. about my financial. about my degree life. my circle of friends. my real one? do i have any? do they think the same about me? i keep thinking and get anxious. i get worried. till i cannot sit still. walking around room. here and there. look at through the windows. sit back at the bed. trembling. thinking about how useless, worthless, unimportant and annoyed i can be. thinking about how people around me treat one another. raise up their voices to one another. their sarcasm. how rude they can be. how bad they can go. thinking about the different that might happened if the way they are raised change. i see those things. and think about it. everything is in my head. hold too much secrets. to myself. until i feel tired. not including thinking about how to end this bad habit of mine. as much as if i end myself or, not exist. from day one of my life. thinking about how fake people can be. whats the point of contacting each other. you dont really wanna know about how my life is going. i mean, whats the point if you know how miserable my life is. you probably just clapping your hand there. with all those fake words saying 'ah i miss you too, hope to see you soon' 'i miss to spend time with you' 'long time no see you should come and visit us' so fake. and expecting me to just be there for you guys. look at your annoying face. i have better things to do rather than catching up will people who i dont feel to. i choose my circle. my own circle. but, that is sad. the circle never be created. 

i need help, too. 

time

25 june 2019, i received call from mak, telling me that our lil cousin, amir haikal has passed away. leave all of us after he was struggling in icu ward for almost more than a week. i have expecting this news. i have prepare for it. and when mak told me last two days, i couldnt say anything, i dont know how to react, i calmly put the phone down and continue my day. but last day. yesterday i suddenly think about how i wish, i could see him for the last time. i was not so close to him like my family did, knowing that i am not very a family person. i rarely talk to him whenever we met. and honestly i regret not seeing him during eid. but it is okay. a better place for you now lil boy. a better place for you. you such a good boy and everyone loves you. 

i am now back in uni, waiting to face my final papers. the first one start in second day of july and 10th july. i dont know if i cant wait to end this semester or i cant wait to enter a new one. i hope i am strong enough to face this road.

i made some changes in my bedroom when i was at home during first week of study week. rearrange some stuffs, feeling so fresh and therapeutic. and did some thinking and i guess ive found certain answer to my questions regarding life. about how i see this life turning up and down for me. goin back and forth from feeling happy, sad and then empty. and all kind of feelings mix up. certain answer that i got and i wonder when will i make it right. i try to be so positive. surround my escape place with positive vibes, words and all. things to calm me down. but i forget one important key in life journey. the Almighty. i did pray to him but i didnt pray hard enough. i put all the positive words around my room, in my books, but i didnt look at the words from Him. to soothe my mind and my heart. i ask for help to Him, but i didnt keep faith in Him. when will the time come to make me fully realize that. i always say ill do it later but what if later never come. what if this is the last time i have. what if. 

write. write do makes me feel better. i could express all the mixed feeling in words though not in detail, but words really make me satisfied. that is one of the reason i put words around my place. because if nobody could give me comfort words when i am at my lowest point, i got me. i could give the words. and whenever i could not express it to a person. i express it by writing, to myself. that shows how strong i am to put every situation, every single feelings, every mess in words. the older i have become the more that i see, i really have nobody to talk about feelings, other than my own self. at this age, nobody will ask you how was your day or if are you ok. nobody and i need to accept that. 

enough about them, now it is on you

if people could not make time for me, i will make time for my own self. i will treat myself, i will buy myself something nice, eat something good, have a tasty drink. i will. i am tired to please on people who doesnt do the same thing. i try to keep in touch with certain people but at the end it will let me down. i have decide to stop putting more effort than i suppose to. stop showing interest to anyone and i wont, at all. i will focus more on myself. now, this is just about me, myself and i. who wants to stay, who wants to be at my side, yes please, but if you wanna leave, go ahead, i dont mind. i am completely ok. that's true. friends can break your heart too. i wont depend too much on other people including my family. so girl, this is a reminder for ya, stand on your own feet. be brave, and kind. dont forget that. brave enough to handle all the obstacles in life, and be kind enough when treating other people. dont show hate but spreading positiveness. dont think too much about people and enough making friend! treat them the same. equally. dont get too close to anyone. be neutral to avoid heartbreak. focus on your damn self. self love is not just loving yourself. eat good. take enough rest. do anything that make yourself better and better each day. keep on doin the positive things and dont let negativity affect your life. exercise. read. draw. write. taking photos. do anything that you love to do. ignore the bad vibe. love you. love your body. love your imperfections. love your scars. you have you, girl. you have you. 

every year

why do i have to face this every fucking year on the first day of eid. i hate my life. other people really cannot say just appreciate hari raya and celebrate it well with family and friends. no. i suffer every year since i was a kid on this kind of day. i am suffering. tears on hari raya every year is tiring. feeling depressed and not worthy on hari raya is tiring. feeling useless and know that it will happen again next year is tiring. i try hard to stay positive on hari raya. every year i try to be better but i was wrong. i can’t be better. i can’t be kind. i can’t hoping that raya would be so colourful and full of happiness. raya is stressful, tiring, depressing, load of hard work, angry. raya is stressing me out. i am 22 years old this year and i still cannot change my perception towards raya. let’s see how it goes. 22 years celebrating this day and i cannot find where is the happiness. i try to show how okay i am in front of my friends in fact i’m broken as hell, i’m hurting and feeling numb. i dont wish i can change my thoughts about raya. it’s all fake. what’s with new clothes, good food and etc if all those doesn’t bring happiness. i dont like this day. i want to get out from here

i lost to myself, again

again, i cannot keep my promise to myself. i hate this. i keep repeating doin the same thing. the same mistake. the same bad things all over again. this is so bad. i am in holy month right now. ramadhan kareem. few days away to eid and i am currently at home. just got back from uni yesterday. what a journey to be here. a day full of waiting. i keep postpone from writing. for real, i have a lot to write and to tell here. a lot. 

i wont deny. here is so hot. the weather is extremely hot. i need to find another spot to write and which is my brother's room. not much better but better than mine. need to settle down few things while am here. well, most likely regarding my previous educational loan. i have become active repayer and i need to postpone this and that. few things. am a bit scare. a bit anxious. but girl sokay, you gotta settle this one by one. relax. (though i cannot) 

talking about my bad habits. i thought i could handle that, apparently am not! bitch you weak. i still doing that. how toooo stop please:( am tired. get close to Him. i know. but i didnt do it. what kind of demon is inside me God help. i am currently have nobody to talk to about myself. all my friends are busy with their life. and i should not bother them. they have rights to live their life and not to think about my silly ass. i cant tell this to my family. obviously i cant. i cannot tell this to my friends at uni. we just got to know each other. there are still boudaries and in fact they wont believe me. i dont have anyone. i just have myself and sometimes that is tiring to only have yourself at the end of the day. i need somebody to pat on my back sometimes not just my own hands. i need somebody to hug me and listen to all my nonsense not just the other side of me. not just me and my demons. i need somebody to really know that i am struggling, to check on me, to ask me how am i handle my anxiety today. how am i face my stress and stuff today. but knowing me, i keep pushing people away. how can i have one... this is why i dont really favor being at home. being alone at home makes things worst. makes me become worst. i cant be alone please. anybody please listen to me, i cant be alone or it will come to me again. 

it is a brand new life?

i am currently writing this blog at my new place. it has been almost 4 weeks i am here in Puncak Alam. continuing what i have been wanting for. to achieve what i have been dreaming of. i really hope this is not a wrong decision to be made. because knowing me, the one who always making wrong decision in life. i have meet few people here. and still in knowing process. this is too early to claim anyone as people who will get through everything with me. this is too early. but i am glad and cant thankful enough that God place me in the same house with bunch of good people that i can fit in. but i hate myself for longing to be alone. well most probably because i used to be alone at home. so i feel like a bit uncomfortable when surrounded by a lot of people. everywhere in group makes me suffocating. but that does not meant i hate them. just like my classmates, i like them. they are fun to be with but knowing me, i need some space and some times to adapt in every changes and to accept people in my life. and right now, still struggling with be around guys. i dont like when i always wanna get mad and easily annoyed with guys. they do not do anything. it is just me. change that attitude girl. you gotta be brave and change that silly bad attitude because youre not a teen anymore. youre a young adult and have to overcome that. you can do it girl. 

regarding my anxiety, i feel like that in control now. havent have tears streaming down at my cheek in weeks now. i feel a lot more stronger than before. and i dont really into my feeling. i guess being far from home is good sometimes, less drama less fights. less hurting people that i love. i do miss them, a lot. but this is for good. i will come back, and be better than i was and i am now. if God wills. i will. 

and sadly, i still checking up on him sometimes, go through his profile and see how happy he is now makes me feel relief and make the guilty feeling inside me go, not all but at least it does. at times i feeling sucks and still haunting by past mistakes, i keep reminding myself, he is at better place now with better companion. and that makes me feel a bit in ease. will always pray for his happiness. 

i need to get in the right track back, remind myself why am i here. what exactly i want to prove this time. i know this not gonna be easy but i will go through this path no matter how it looks like. this is the beginning. 

at the point of accepting life (a bit)

15 february 2019, i am writing this entry in my room, my escape place as usual. having a bit conflict with my mom. idk. i was striked with her words yesterday and i was a bit upset. oh man, do children also have the rights to feel upset? the question always running through my mind. by the way, more or less in one week i will be leaving this place to further my studies. i am excited and nervous at the same time. still, still a lot in my head. things to buy and do, havent settling everything yet. but ive done the yuran pengajian part thingy. mom told me that abah said i dont have to take pt loan. but if i wont take the study loan, would abah pay for my study fee? havent discuss with him yet about this matter. the anxiety strikes again and i am stress. locked myself in room. and dont want to talk with anyone. this happen again. 

but ive decided to accepting all things that happened in my life. the good and the bad side. i need to really understand that things happens for reason. theres always be reason in every situation. there will always be a good and positive outcome in every choices that have been made. i choose this path from the very beginning. i cant blame anyone for the choices ive made. and i need to remind myself there will also have obstacles in every route that i take. be brave enough to pass the route, there is no turning back. first thing first, what i need to do, pray, pray hard to Him. not to easy the path for me, but to strengthen my imaan, strengthen myself to overcome every hardship in this life. ive to be more positive than i was before. if i could tell everyone around me to stay positive and be patient with all the test, why not me. learn to console myself because i have me. whenever nobody gets me, i have. more focus on self love. hoping that 2019 will be the year of me learning to accept every things that happened. to be more positive and less the bad sides of me.

it will began

finally ive got accepted to further my studies in one of university here. still in business but major in marketing. i dont know how and what to react or feel towards the news actually. i was in car with my bestfriend and on our way to have picnic together we both before she goin back to kl when i received the result. im going. for sure and of course. this is what i want and hoping for after all this while. i hope everything will be alright. theres so much running on my mind. about me continuing my studies. about my parents, my family. and ya, about my anxiety. it still come attacking me sometimes. i am afraid. 

theres so much to do also before i goin there. a lot of things to settle and i think i run out of time. and, another thing i worried about is i still cant get rid of this addiction. i dont know what to do. i cant be alone. but im always home alone. and locked myself in my room. i hope to get away from those bad things. i am moving to a new episode of my life. new surrounding and challenges. i hope i will be okay. hope.

what after a terrible night?

19th january 2019, i went to my cousin wedding with my whole family. everyone was here, back to kampung for the kenduri. everything was so good at first, me, getting ready for the kenduri, do my make up, my sister came to my room to borrow my make ups, and we all the entire family wearing almost the same colour, blue and violet kind of theme though the wedding theme is grey! we came late to the wedding because as always, abah was so busy (again, always) and then, we arrived there. once i step in the hall, i saw the crowds, of course there were crowds, that was a wedding reception, what do you expect girl? but i tried to calm myself. ok relax girl, just relax yourself, dont make any eye contact with anybody. luckily my family choose a table that very far from the other guests, so guess i am safe then? 

right after the akad, of course there will be makan makan and stuff while the bride and the groom is getting ready to bersanding. suddenly i feel uneasy with the crowds, standing and moving around the hall. talking and so noisy, i feel so suffocated and annoys with my surrounding. i feel like going home. the pressure i got from my family member asking me to get the food while i dont feel like eating yet. and i really feel not comfortable with the situation. i need to distract myself but idk how. i am afraid if people come and approach me and talk to me. i dont want any interaction and not want to have any conversation with people. that was my cousin wedding and for sure there will be a lot of my relatives, my aunts and uncle, cousins and wtv. i feel like crying. until for one point i stand up and  immediately went out from the wedding hall. i dont know where i was heading but at least, far from the crowds. i was so afraid, i start trembling and you know nafas turun naik kind of thing. shit. that was so unforgettable moment in my life so far. i never became like that in public, as far as i remember that shits only happen to me while i was in my room. but that was in public. and at that time i really did not care if people saw me cry or wtv i reach my phone and call my friend (the only one who i can rely on at that time). idk how to tell her but i feel a bit calm knowing that there was a person who i could talk at that moment. after a few minutes, i end my call. stand up and walk away from the front door of the hall and sat at a corner. control my breath back and calm my mind. it took me around 15 minutes because i need to went back to the hall cause i dont want my family to find out or ask me anything. went back to the hall and pretend like that fucked up moment never happened in my life but shit, i clearly remember how terrible it was. 

a terrible dream

i had a worst && terrible dream last night. i was awake for few times and afraid to go back to sleep. i was wondering inside my house in dark, went to my parents room to check on them. luckily they did not close the door so i can see them from outside of the room. i dont know what is wrong with me last night. i was so anxious, my heart was so pounding. i was so scare. i overthink out of sudden. about everything including things that i should not. even by remembering what has happened last night makes me want to cry. shit this is not good. and why the hell i always wanted to cry out of sudden everyday and feel scare. i cant sit still. something is wrong with me. i need this to stop. please. i am tired pretending i was ok, i am not. 

into a new year?

first january of 2019, yes this is it. today. and i am moving to a new age. twenty-two. just like before, i am totally not ready moving to new age, new number. am still havent figure out what i really am, and what am i really want in life now. havent able to get out from here and discover myself. have not able to know what i am capable to do. but that is ok. i think 2019 will be the year for it. i hope. meet new people, be in new places, explore and out of my comfort zone. i hope. but i am deeply thankful that i am graduate from college this year with a diploma. that is the highlight of this year to be honest. but sometimes, you know, i am thinking about the future. it scares me. well, all the time actually. this growing and adulthood kind of thing makes me feel nervous and suffocated. i hate when i always feeling down when i compare my life with the other especially my friends. some got their dream job, do what they really want to do, their passion towards their job. some got to further their studies and be far from home and able to discover and identify what they capable to do, grow up and be more independent. some could be in a new whole surrounding and meet new people and enjoy their life to the fullest. i envy with them. i envy with how they live their life. why it seems so hard for somebody like me. unsupported family, unmotivated self, and sometimes i feel i am being left out from my friends. i cannot tell anyone how i really feel because i am scare, people wont accept if i am complaining about life, about everything. all this loads are so heavy, i am afraid i cant hold this anymore. i am always at my lowest time, lowest moment, i lock myself in my room. lying down on my bed or sometimes on the floor, look at the windows or sometimes at my dream catcher hanging in my room. tears streaming down my cheek. listening to loud music hoping it distract me from those thinkings. i am afraid. i feel not good enough. i feel so useless. i feel i should not be here in this world. i am thinking to end my life. shit, that is the scariest thing in my life. i am starting to get to my addiction towards..., yah it makes me feel bad. i am bad. 29th december, 2018. when i was out with my two friends, i should be so happy that day, but those heavy feeling came attacking me while i suppose to have good time with them. my body feels so heavy that i cant even make myself get out from bed and getting ready before they picked up me. i cant even answering to those phone calls to avoid sound so trembled. but i try my hardest, because i dont want to hurt them, my friends, because i dont want to let them know how i feel. typing this entry also makes me nervous and anxious. though nobody would read this.
one of my friend told me how she felt, maybe just like me and she afraid she will becoming even worse. i envy again, how she got the strength to let me know. when i cant even tell anyone. including the closest one. this is suppose to be a new year entry, a positive and motivated one but i am fucked up. and i suppose to publish on the first day of january but it turns out, it is forth of january today. loser me.