every year

why do i have to face this every fucking year on the first day of eid. i hate my life. other people really cannot say just appreciate hari raya and celebrate it well with family and friends. no. i suffer every year since i was a kid on this kind of day. i am suffering. tears on hari raya every year is tiring. feeling depressed and not worthy on hari raya is tiring. feeling useless and know that it will happen again next year is tiring. i try hard to stay positive on hari raya. every year i try to be better but i was wrong. i can’t be better. i can’t be kind. i can’t hoping that raya would be so colourful and full of happiness. raya is stressful, tiring, depressing, load of hard work, angry. raya is stressing me out. i am 22 years old this year and i still cannot change my perception towards raya. let’s see how it goes. 22 years celebrating this day and i cannot find where is the happiness. i try to show how okay i am in front of my friends in fact i’m broken as hell, i’m hurting and feeling numb. i dont wish i can change my thoughts about raya. it’s all fake. what’s with new clothes, good food and etc if all those doesn’t bring happiness. i dont like this day. i want to get out from here