time

25 june 2019, i received call from mak, telling me that our lil cousin, amir haikal has passed away. leave all of us after he was struggling in icu ward for almost more than a week. i have expecting this news. i have prepare for it. and when mak told me last two days, i couldnt say anything, i dont know how to react, i calmly put the phone down and continue my day. but last day. yesterday i suddenly think about how i wish, i could see him for the last time. i was not so close to him like my family did, knowing that i am not very a family person. i rarely talk to him whenever we met. and honestly i regret not seeing him during eid. but it is okay. a better place for you now lil boy. a better place for you. you such a good boy and everyone loves you. 

i am now back in uni, waiting to face my final papers. the first one start in second day of july and 10th july. i dont know if i cant wait to end this semester or i cant wait to enter a new one. i hope i am strong enough to face this road.

i made some changes in my bedroom when i was at home during first week of study week. rearrange some stuffs, feeling so fresh and therapeutic. and did some thinking and i guess ive found certain answer to my questions regarding life. about how i see this life turning up and down for me. goin back and forth from feeling happy, sad and then empty. and all kind of feelings mix up. certain answer that i got and i wonder when will i make it right. i try to be so positive. surround my escape place with positive vibes, words and all. things to calm me down. but i forget one important key in life journey. the Almighty. i did pray to him but i didnt pray hard enough. i put all the positive words around my room, in my books, but i didnt look at the words from Him. to soothe my mind and my heart. i ask for help to Him, but i didnt keep faith in Him. when will the time come to make me fully realize that. i always say ill do it later but what if later never come. what if this is the last time i have. what if. 

write. write do makes me feel better. i could express all the mixed feeling in words though not in detail, but words really make me satisfied. that is one of the reason i put words around my place. because if nobody could give me comfort words when i am at my lowest point, i got me. i could give the words. and whenever i could not express it to a person. i express it by writing, to myself. that shows how strong i am to put every situation, every single feelings, every mess in words. the older i have become the more that i see, i really have nobody to talk about feelings, other than my own self. at this age, nobody will ask you how was your day or if are you ok. nobody and i need to accept that. 

enough about them, now it is on you

if people could not make time for me, i will make time for my own self. i will treat myself, i will buy myself something nice, eat something good, have a tasty drink. i will. i am tired to please on people who doesnt do the same thing. i try to keep in touch with certain people but at the end it will let me down. i have decide to stop putting more effort than i suppose to. stop showing interest to anyone and i wont, at all. i will focus more on myself. now, this is just about me, myself and i. who wants to stay, who wants to be at my side, yes please, but if you wanna leave, go ahead, i dont mind. i am completely ok. that's true. friends can break your heart too. i wont depend too much on other people including my family. so girl, this is a reminder for ya, stand on your own feet. be brave, and kind. dont forget that. brave enough to handle all the obstacles in life, and be kind enough when treating other people. dont show hate but spreading positiveness. dont think too much about people and enough making friend! treat them the same. equally. dont get too close to anyone. be neutral to avoid heartbreak. focus on your damn self. self love is not just loving yourself. eat good. take enough rest. do anything that make yourself better and better each day. keep on doin the positive things and dont let negativity affect your life. exercise. read. draw. write. taking photos. do anything that you love to do. ignore the bad vibe. love you. love your body. love your imperfections. love your scars. you have you, girl. you have you. 

every year

why do i have to face this every fucking year on the first day of eid. i hate my life. other people really cannot say just appreciate hari raya and celebrate it well with family and friends. no. i suffer every year since i was a kid on this kind of day. i am suffering. tears on hari raya every year is tiring. feeling depressed and not worthy on hari raya is tiring. feeling useless and know that it will happen again next year is tiring. i try hard to stay positive on hari raya. every year i try to be better but i was wrong. i can’t be better. i can’t be kind. i can’t hoping that raya would be so colourful and full of happiness. raya is stressful, tiring, depressing, load of hard work, angry. raya is stressing me out. i am 22 years old this year and i still cannot change my perception towards raya. let’s see how it goes. 22 years celebrating this day and i cannot find where is the happiness. i try to show how okay i am in front of my friends in fact i’m broken as hell, i’m hurting and feeling numb. i dont wish i can change my thoughts about raya. it’s all fake. what’s with new clothes, good food and etc if all those doesn’t bring happiness. i dont like this day. i want to get out from here