ninth october was the day

this makes me look so pathetic if i am still writing about him. ya. pathetic; myself. but whatever it is, nobody is gonna judge me here anyway. i hope. the past few weeks, i have been passing through in front of his house, the first time ever i know where is his exact house. but decided to pass through it anyway. for the first time, i feel stuck. cant really focus to what my friends say after i lalu in front of the house. and then, yah, it feels normal back. i know, nothing could change. we will still remain like this. and never ever going back to how we used to be. because that was so toxic to him. but i am truly, honestly and completely happy for him now. he is so much better, i know. good for him. 

knowing each other little secret

7 november 2018, i havent write for a long time. a bit busy with my life. i am currently working at one cafe here not really near my house. 15 minutes to got there. and just one day off per week. working there, far from what i was expecting. a bit regret but i think it is right, everything happens for reason. i met new friends and become close to some of them. and right now, i just got back from meeting them. we all went out and have lunch together. and few times, we all will share our thoughts about certain things. i once asked them about family matter. it is such a sensitive topic but each of them were giving a good response as what i hope to get. each of them were telling and share how they feel towards their family. not so details but i feel them. and i can relate to those. i am glad and feel pity at the same time when listen to their cases. i am glad that i'm not alone even though we face the different issue. and i feel pity to them that they have to go through that rough moment in their life. just like me. at least we know, that we are not alone. we will go through this painful and rough path until we got there.

ambivert?

last week or to be exact, on 26 July 2018, i went to KL with my mom to visit my sister who had already born to a super amazing little charm. yes a boy. i am super excited also but the bitter side is i need to spend a week there because my mom need to take care of my sister and the baby before we altogether could come back to kampung. it was so bored being there because i have to do nothing. literally nothing other than being at home and just play with the baby. but yeah here i am now, back in my lovely and comfort room(only for me), and yesterday we a had a little feast for the baby and all my parents friends were here and also my relatives. 

i dont like it.

well, it is not like i hate socializing with them because you know, hate is a very strong word right. i just do not like being in a crowd. especially with those people. the perks of being an ambivert? i actually havent figure out yet whether i am an introvert or ambivert? because it is doesnt like i have both personality traits, but sometimes i feel like i do. yes complicated.

it makes me feel sick being with a lot of people. i feel dizzy and sometimes i feel like i want to cry. silly me yeah. 

found out and realizing something

right after i post my previous entry, i randomly google my name and what i found is his old blog. scrolling down his posts years ago and read them, it was funny tho. good old days. less commitment, more freedom.

but i just realize, about his latest update,
it was last year,
march 22, 2017.

i am shock. that was when we have some issue.
and that was just, last year.
i was stunned and confuse.
but that wont change anything.
but still, thank you.

exposing myself to the virtual world

i start myself with social media; myspace, facebook, blog, twitter and instagram since i was 13 years old. especially facebook and myspace. i know about them since before that age but never try or had one because nobody at home taught me how. since i am the last child in this family and the youngest one. so when i enter high school and met some of people that i call friends (until now) (close friends to be exact) they taught me on how to use social media. creating an email and so on. since there was IT class back then, so it become a necessity for me to have an email. through those days back then, be in social media life was heck, fun, free and enjoyable! i can say that we (people on social media) didnt have to be insecure about other people's life like how we use to now. all we want to do was just make new friends, share our thoughts about anything but still in control, seeing each other life without no hatred. 

but look at now how social media become a dirty platform for some people (or trash). spreading negative vibes without thinking other people feeling. such a jerk. 

writing this based on my experiences and i am still facing these things. 

but anyway, i am glad, i am still can think rationally and ignore those bad/hate comments. even though, there is certain time i was very at my lowest point because of it. but no worries, it is normal when you enter this virtual world, you expose yourself, you put yourself in a place where people are free to throw all kind the jugdement, critics, comments or even support like nice and good words. because you know, we are also not always do the right thing. so if there's supportive comments for us or they wanna correct our wrongdoings, take it with open heart. 

i know nobody will read my blog, but you know, writing like this is like an escapism for me other than reading books. and hoping by writing, it could help improve my english. since ill be taking next paper for muet examination this saturday, 21 july. omg just by thinking of it makes my head spinning. so nervous. and actually i was suppose to write about something else, but end up with this kind of topic. never mind. will try to post another entry later. 

i start blogging since i was 14. but never keep constant. i always procrastinate and neglecting almost everything in my life. please. keep. constant. doing. this. blog. 

maybe blogging is not relevant anymore to most people. and maybe some people will say, it is lame, noob and so oldschool. but it is not, for me. 

let me tell you a story

there were two people who love each other back then, years ago. they were so in love but in ways that are different from other couple. how they start knowing each other? it all start with a simple message on one social media. a simple message from the boy who just want to greet the girl. they were in the same high school. but different year, different class. with the simple "hi" from the boy, not knowing the ending of their story would end with very unexpected and unfair for both of them. the sweetness of high school moments would not last forever. as time goes by, the girl realized something. as time goes by, as people grow, as they can think with more rational, was it fair to let the other person in pain? just be in love they say, but love is not everything. one thing she realized, though two people love each other more than anything, if they are not meant to be, nothing can do to fix the broken relationship. nothing can do to heal the pain. nothing can do to make the other person understand how hard to continue something that cant be fixed. 

the boy is all she need when she was at her lowest point. but was it fair to keep accepting instead of giving? happiness is the thing she can't give. why torturing someone who really just want to love and be loved. but why need to stay if she keep hurting the person. 

let them all call her selfish ass bitch because leaving just like that. rather than be called selfish just because she needs him only at her breaking point. give and take they say. but she could not give anything and that is making she feel guilty. remove the toxic and fix the broken part they say, but it can't be done easily in just few years. she doesn't want any person to wait for the uncertain things. that is totally unfair for everyone. so the choice? making the person who loves her more than she loves herself, hate her. that was cruel. but it gives a lot of pain to her also. trying not to say anything. trying to act very cool. trying not to let her surrounding knows. she rather takes all the blame. just to see that person happy. because that is what he deserve. happiness.

quite a complicated one. people will say why making it too complicated when you can just love. and if you really love, you would do anything to prove the love. yes. talk is much more easier than walking in their shoes. 

believe me, it is not easy. 

by the time i write this story. i can probably say, the boy is much more happier now. and i believe the girl would feel so relief to see that. 

living in guilt forever is not a big deal for her i guess. 

lost and confuse

monday, 25 Jun 2018. i don't know what am i doing with my life at this moment. just finish my diploma last month and waiting for my graduation this upcoming october. i need a job before i further my studies. i need to get a life for now. get out of this boredom. i have to but i dont know where and how to start. where should i find a job? i dont have transportation. my father wouldn't let me drive on my own (that is for sure). so what am i gonna do. 

more than a week of eid have passed. this year, this aidilfitri is the worst i can tell. i avoid at my very best to communicate with the uncles and aunts because for sure they going to ask question like "what r u doing now?" "have u finish with your studies?" "do you get a job already?" "what is your plan now after finish doing diploma?" hell yeah. it is not like i want to be rude but, aunts, we can start a conversation by not asking about me right because to be fucking honest with you all, i dont know how should i answer all the questions! because my plan, my life plan, will not go as what i want it to go. they are always boundaries and obstacles in my life. and i hate it. 

i want to get out from here. meet new people. get to know new things. be in a new surrounding. learn other culture. i dont want to be in the same place for the rest of my life. i need to challenge myself. i need to know what i am capable to do. can they let me do this? 

woke up every morning and feel so damn useless. i hate depending myself too much on people. i need to motivate myself but shit, i always procrastinate everything. get a lifeeeee please get a life. dont be such a lazy ass.