what after a terrible night?

19th january 2019, i went to my cousin wedding with my whole family. everyone was here, back to kampung for the kenduri. everything was so good at first, me, getting ready for the kenduri, do my make up, my sister came to my room to borrow my make ups, and we all the entire family wearing almost the same colour, blue and violet kind of theme though the wedding theme is grey! we came late to the wedding because as always, abah was so busy (again, always) and then, we arrived there. once i step in the hall, i saw the crowds, of course there were crowds, that was a wedding reception, what do you expect girl? but i tried to calm myself. ok relax girl, just relax yourself, dont make any eye contact with anybody. luckily my family choose a table that very far from the other guests, so guess i am safe then? 

right after the akad, of course there will be makan makan and stuff while the bride and the groom is getting ready to bersanding. suddenly i feel uneasy with the crowds, standing and moving around the hall. talking and so noisy, i feel so suffocated and annoys with my surrounding. i feel like going home. the pressure i got from my family member asking me to get the food while i dont feel like eating yet. and i really feel not comfortable with the situation. i need to distract myself but idk how. i am afraid if people come and approach me and talk to me. i dont want any interaction and not want to have any conversation with people. that was my cousin wedding and for sure there will be a lot of my relatives, my aunts and uncle, cousins and wtv. i feel like crying. until for one point i stand up and  immediately went out from the wedding hall. i dont know where i was heading but at least, far from the crowds. i was so afraid, i start trembling and you know nafas turun naik kind of thing. shit. that was so unforgettable moment in my life so far. i never became like that in public, as far as i remember that shits only happen to me while i was in my room. but that was in public. and at that time i really did not care if people saw me cry or wtv i reach my phone and call my friend (the only one who i can rely on at that time). idk how to tell her but i feel a bit calm knowing that there was a person who i could talk at that moment. after a few minutes, i end my call. stand up and walk away from the front door of the hall and sat at a corner. control my breath back and calm my mind. it took me around 15 minutes because i need to went back to the hall cause i dont want my family to find out or ask me anything. went back to the hall and pretend like that fucked up moment never happened in my life but shit, i clearly remember how terrible it was. 

a terrible dream

i had a worst && terrible dream last night. i was awake for few times and afraid to go back to sleep. i was wondering inside my house in dark, went to my parents room to check on them. luckily they did not close the door so i can see them from outside of the room. i dont know what is wrong with me last night. i was so anxious, my heart was so pounding. i was so scare. i overthink out of sudden. about everything including things that i should not. even by remembering what has happened last night makes me want to cry. shit this is not good. and why the hell i always wanted to cry out of sudden everyday and feel scare. i cant sit still. something is wrong with me. i need this to stop. please. i am tired pretending i was ok, i am not. 

into a new year?

first january of 2019, yes this is it. today. and i am moving to a new age. twenty-two. just like before, i am totally not ready moving to new age, new number. am still havent figure out what i really am, and what am i really want in life now. havent able to get out from here and discover myself. have not able to know what i am capable to do. but that is ok. i think 2019 will be the year for it. i hope. meet new people, be in new places, explore and out of my comfort zone. i hope. but i am deeply thankful that i am graduate from college this year with a diploma. that is the highlight of this year to be honest. but sometimes, you know, i am thinking about the future. it scares me. well, all the time actually. this growing and adulthood kind of thing makes me feel nervous and suffocated. i hate when i always feeling down when i compare my life with the other especially my friends. some got their dream job, do what they really want to do, their passion towards their job. some got to further their studies and be far from home and able to discover and identify what they capable to do, grow up and be more independent. some could be in a new whole surrounding and meet new people and enjoy their life to the fullest. i envy with them. i envy with how they live their life. why it seems so hard for somebody like me. unsupported family, unmotivated self, and sometimes i feel i am being left out from my friends. i cannot tell anyone how i really feel because i am scare, people wont accept if i am complaining about life, about everything. all this loads are so heavy, i am afraid i cant hold this anymore. i am always at my lowest time, lowest moment, i lock myself in my room. lying down on my bed or sometimes on the floor, look at the windows or sometimes at my dream catcher hanging in my room. tears streaming down my cheek. listening to loud music hoping it distract me from those thinkings. i am afraid. i feel not good enough. i feel so useless. i feel i should not be here in this world. i am thinking to end my life. shit, that is the scariest thing in my life. i am starting to get to my addiction towards..., yah it makes me feel bad. i am bad. 29th december, 2018. when i was out with my two friends, i should be so happy that day, but those heavy feeling came attacking me while i suppose to have good time with them. my body feels so heavy that i cant even make myself get out from bed and getting ready before they picked up me. i cant even answering to those phone calls to avoid sound so trembled. but i try my hardest, because i dont want to hurt them, my friends, because i dont want to let them know how i feel. typing this entry also makes me nervous and anxious. though nobody would read this.
one of my friend told me how she felt, maybe just like me and she afraid she will becoming even worse. i envy again, how she got the strength to let me know. when i cant even tell anyone. including the closest one. this is suppose to be a new year entry, a positive and motivated one but i am fucked up. and i suppose to publish on the first day of january but it turns out, it is forth of january today. loser me.