dear self

22 November 2020, i am writing this in my cozy bedroom, sitting at my desk facing the windows, it is 12:38pm right at this moment. the weather is asking me to be in my blanket and dreaming of the dreamy dream. i went bad again a couple of days before, and last night. it was bad. at this point of my life right now, i am not even sure of myself, whether i can stop myself from doing those bad things for ever. every time after i did that, and i realize how worst was my action at the time, i was hoping that it was the last time, wont ever do it again. but then i'll find myself staring at the ceiling, after all the terrible things i did finish, and it was too late. i've done the worst among the worst. though every single day i wish and i pray to stop doing those things, i failed. it is not something that i can simple share to people and that makes me feeling so bad about myself even more. i am still searching for the cure and i pray to not lose hope. i will not.

to my dear self in future, if you still here and reading this years later from now, i really hope you already find your true self, without depending on the silly actions you do every night. i hope you appreciate yourself a lot compare to what you're doing right now. know your worth dear self, this bring nothing but miserable life to you. whenever and wherever you are at this life, do not lose hope. do not stop trying to stop. we got each others back, i am fighting so hard right now so you would appreciate our efforts in future. so that you can be a lot more stronger than you are now, i am fighting, i am. even though throughout this fights, i may be hurt, bleed and get ourselves scar, i will not stop. we going to win this battle dear self. i love you.

stuck and suck

wishing, hoping and praying that i will stop procrastinate in doing my tasks, there are few entry that have been hold because i got stuck to continue writing. stuck and suck. it is 1.22am, and i got class at 8.30am tomorrow morning. so miserable. there are a lot of pending task that i keep avoiding it. the reason why i keep delaying my works, because i dont like the feeling while i am doing it. the little anxious and i will overthink for no reasons. god, i hate myself? 

catching up session

in the name of Allah, the most Gracious the most Merciful. here i am back here writing this self-love reflection letter in this blog after so long. well, there is not much differences since the last time i was around here. to give myself a little preview of the last episode, so somewhere in march, we need to rush back to our hometown, clear out our college's room and take the essential stuff with us before we came back for the actual clearance. because of this pandemic things that going around the whole world, i need to undergo my third semester virtually. which is kind of fucked up but i wont say it was totally doomed. there are the pros and cons of it. and alhamdulillah my final result of the third semester came out well, better than the previous one. though it was kind of stressful and intense in different way. God knows what i have been through. the tight feeling for every online class especially for some of my core subjects. it is 1:58am and i am writing this entry in my bedroom. i made some changes in here, a little rearrangement of my closet, bed and my desk. my favorite spot of the bedroom is always the desk area. the study table to be exact. since i have been facing online classes so i really need to make sure the desk is comfort and nice enough for me to sit all day long. well, actually it is not only during the class though. i really be sitting at my study area every single day for almost 24 hours. i even had my breakfast/lunch/dins at my desk. and i rarely watch television because i am more to netflix these day. so yeah, my desk is my life, my laptop is my life. ok i hope it does not sounds so pathetic. i just enjoy myself being indoor instead of facing people. but i am always looking forward to see my close friends and hanging out with them sometime. so, sunday is coming. and my new semester which is semester 4 is just the next monday. lets just be honest, i am actually a little bit nervous about this. i don't know. the subjects it getting tough i guess. the assessment and everything might be. but it is okay. i think i will just gonna believe in myself. that's the best thing to do now. i really wanna write more and tell/keep here what i have been doing for the past few months. though it is not that much but i just wanna keep writing (lies i tell myself every single day). there are some series/tv shows/movies that i watched on netflix that i wanna talk about later. and last month or last two months i am not sure, i bought new books. they are some sort of self improvement type of books i got from bookxcess, online because duh there is no nice bookshops here in my place, but yeah i haven't finish them yet. stuck in my procrastination room. luckily i keep myself update with the journal. it keeps me alive. it is funny how i think that i dont really got time to do things i wanna do, not realizing that i keep saying "i will do it later/tomorrow" but what happens when i cannot get into later or that tomorrow. well nothing really happens, nothing change because my life will end there. it is a stop, not changing. that's the thing i have been struggling with, my procrastination disease. since forever. there's always times that some ideas or thoughts coming into my head randomly which i need to let it out through my words here other than in my journal. but the thing with "later/tomorrow" really get me. anyway, just wanna keep this here, i am writing this while listening to the french aesthetic songs playlist on youtube. i really do not understand a single thing but it feels nice. i'm thinking of re-watching the french movie laboum, which i think the one and only french movie i have ever watch. i love the songs in the movie. that kind of vibe though. so, i might end this entry here. tomorrow is my last day of my semester break which means last day of my freedom. might tied up with all the busy schedule later. till then.