dear self

22 November 2020, i am writing this in my cozy bedroom, sitting at my desk facing the windows, it is 12:38pm right at this moment. the weather is asking me to be in my blanket and dreaming of the dreamy dream. i went bad again a couple of days before, and last night. it was bad. at this point of my life right now, i am not even sure of myself, whether i can stop myself from doing those bad things for ever. every time after i did that, and i realize how worst was my action at the time, i was hoping that it was the last time, wont ever do it again. but then i'll find myself staring at the ceiling, after all the terrible things i did finish, and it was too late. i've done the worst among the worst. though every single day i wish and i pray to stop doing those things, i failed. it is not something that i can simple share to people and that makes me feeling so bad about myself even more. i am still searching for the cure and i pray to not lose hope. i will not.

to my dear self in future, if you still here and reading this years later from now, i really hope you already find your true self, without depending on the silly actions you do every night. i hope you appreciate yourself a lot compare to what you're doing right now. know your worth dear self, this bring nothing but miserable life to you. whenever and wherever you are at this life, do not lose hope. do not stop trying to stop. we got each others back, i am fighting so hard right now so you would appreciate our efforts in future. so that you can be a lot more stronger than you are now, i am fighting, i am. even though throughout this fights, i may be hurt, bleed and get ourselves scar, i will not stop. we going to win this battle dear self. i love you.

stuck and suck

wishing, hoping and praying that i will stop procrastinate in doing my tasks, there are few entry that have been hold because i got stuck to continue writing. stuck and suck. it is 1.22am, and i got class at 8.30am tomorrow morning. so miserable. there are a lot of pending task that i keep avoiding it. the reason why i keep delaying my works, because i dont like the feeling while i am doing it. the little anxious and i will overthink for no reasons. god, i hate myself? 

catching up session

in the name of Allah, the most Gracious the most Merciful. here i am back here writing this self-love reflection letter in this blog after so long. well, there is not much differences since the last time i was around here. to give myself a little preview of the last episode, so somewhere in march, we need to rush back to our hometown, clear out our college's room and take the essential stuff with us before we came back for the actual clearance. because of this pandemic things that going around the whole world, i need to undergo my third semester virtually. which is kind of fucked up but i wont say it was totally doomed. there are the pros and cons of it. and alhamdulillah my final result of the third semester came out well, better than the previous one. though it was kind of stressful and intense in different way. God knows what i have been through. the tight feeling for every online class especially for some of my core subjects. it is 1:58am and i am writing this entry in my bedroom. i made some changes in here, a little rearrangement of my closet, bed and my desk. my favorite spot of the bedroom is always the desk area. the study table to be exact. since i have been facing online classes so i really need to make sure the desk is comfort and nice enough for me to sit all day long. well, actually it is not only during the class though. i really be sitting at my study area every single day for almost 24 hours. i even had my breakfast/lunch/dins at my desk. and i rarely watch television because i am more to netflix these day. so yeah, my desk is my life, my laptop is my life. ok i hope it does not sounds so pathetic. i just enjoy myself being indoor instead of facing people. but i am always looking forward to see my close friends and hanging out with them sometime. so, sunday is coming. and my new semester which is semester 4 is just the next monday. lets just be honest, i am actually a little bit nervous about this. i don't know. the subjects it getting tough i guess. the assessment and everything might be. but it is okay. i think i will just gonna believe in myself. that's the best thing to do now. i really wanna write more and tell/keep here what i have been doing for the past few months. though it is not that much but i just wanna keep writing (lies i tell myself every single day). there are some series/tv shows/movies that i watched on netflix that i wanna talk about later. and last month or last two months i am not sure, i bought new books. they are some sort of self improvement type of books i got from bookxcess, online because duh there is no nice bookshops here in my place, but yeah i haven't finish them yet. stuck in my procrastination room. luckily i keep myself update with the journal. it keeps me alive. it is funny how i think that i dont really got time to do things i wanna do, not realizing that i keep saying "i will do it later/tomorrow" but what happens when i cannot get into later or that tomorrow. well nothing really happens, nothing change because my life will end there. it is a stop, not changing. that's the thing i have been struggling with, my procrastination disease. since forever. there's always times that some ideas or thoughts coming into my head randomly which i need to let it out through my words here other than in my journal. but the thing with "later/tomorrow" really get me. anyway, just wanna keep this here, i am writing this while listening to the french aesthetic songs playlist on youtube. i really do not understand a single thing but it feels nice. i'm thinking of re-watching the french movie laboum, which i think the one and only french movie i have ever watch. i love the songs in the movie. that kind of vibe though. so, i might end this entry here. tomorrow is my last day of my semester break which means last day of my freedom. might tied up with all the busy schedule later. till then. 

random of some

that one night where your heart was pounding very fast. so fast. until you'd thought that it might be your last night here. living in this world. facing the difficulties. your last moment that you'd take for granted. for every chances you had. not saying things or leave out the words that you've been holding up to. run away from realities. avoiding the ones who actually care. when the heart is actually gonna stop. you will lost every chances, not just that. you will lost everything. everything you've ever think and dream of.

i just finish going through some slides for tomorrow's class. was about to hit the hay till i suddenly recall what happened to me last few days. another terrible thing. 

uhh things

it has passed a month of restriction movement order and we still have to go through for another two weeks. and i have start my online class for a week already. honestly what i got to say is just, online class is hard. it is more harder than physical class. i mean, i dont mind the fact that i have to go rushing get myself ready, get dressed and everything, go to the class by my motorcycle or when i have to go by grab, just to attend the class. i dont mind those things anymore. but online class. it's just tire me up in certain ways that totally different. well i must i say that there are pros and cons towards those two things. like i dont have to shower up first before entering my morning class. i mean, will just go turning on my laptop as soon as i wake up in the morning.i can eat whenever and whatever i want during the class, i dont have to wear scarf in the class, i dont have to face the familiar faces and i dont have to keep pretending to be friendly and all to people i dont feel to be friendly with. ya. but the thing is, i am scare to look and my phone and checking up the messages, because the lecturers will be posting about the class, the assessments, the dateline, it makes me feel like i'm being watched by somebody, being judged but i cant face the person in real. now that sucks. i really hope this things will end very soon. but i know the online class will be conducted for this whole semester regardless how the health issue in this country would be. but after all, i wont stop praying and hoping for the best. to everyone. to the whole world. things happen for reasons right. lotsa thing would be the reasons behind this pandemic things. it's just depends to us to realize or not. or maybe we did realize but we choose not to. to avoid making the right things. to avoid from continue being judge. and to let the thoughts of what people might say about ourselves keep lingering in mind. for me, myself. i know during this hard times, i should be doing something more useful or memorable or something that i wont regret later. because i have so much time to do it now. i got, we got lot of free time to bond with whoever we're living with, right? stop being so selfish. and making the right action. i know it is hard. because i never taught so. but i should learn from my past. really. never take things for granted. enjoy every second of the moments you have with your loved ones. keep creating the memories. though it is a bad one now at this moment but something that later you will smile when you remember it. i know myself, i am struggling and fighting my own demon real hard when i am staying at home. to control the anger to control the feelings that nobody would understand even if they say they are. but no. to keep motivate. to keep wishing, hoping and trying to do good things towards them. is hard. but not a day, that i do not try. i wish i just try harder everyday. maybe. not a day in my life, i do not want to stop my addiction. towards the thing. every single night before i hit the hay, i wish to stop. but sometimes without i realize, i still doing it. or i could not stop. i have been living with it. there is so much things, so much secrets i want to let it out in here. knowing that no ones will read this. but maybe not now. or maybe i'll just let all the secrets die with me someday. you know somethings are better left unsaid. for the better in people's life. 

when i enter degree life. i promise myself, i wont be like my old self. but as days passing through, i have becoming worse than her in the past. it doesnt just scares me, but it disgust me. a lot. i'm ashamed of myself. of who ive turn to be. i cant see good improvement of me. i just let myself down, every day. still so afraid to face each day coming. thinking. at the beginning of this year, i hope more from me in 2020. but things messed up. i still cant change my view towards certain things, no matter how i try to change the way i look at them. should find myself the answers very soon. till now. 

great entrance of the year

2020, gives a lot of surprises. really. at this point, i don't have any idea what my life is going to be at the end of this year. or next year. or even right now? the coming of 2020 actually scares me. i feel like this year pressuring me silently. this year, it expecting something big from me. but who have ever thought that i actually, the one who expect a lot from whatever coming in 2020. cut it short. right at this moment. 8th april, i am in my bedroom in my hometown. typing in this blog post column after months. while i suppose to be at my college, doing my assignments, cry over the unfinished tasks, stress over my life in palam, but no. i am in my bedroom. in perlis. sigh. the country is having real big health, economic issue right now. almost all the country in this world are facing with pandemic issue. the virus is getting huge and serious. attacking people's lives and lead to so many death cases. even in this country. my university students were ordered to empty the college buildings as soon as possible on the 17th march. and i was rushing back from uni. luckily i got a friend who was driving back to perlis also and he gave me a lift. a friend from the theater club. so i arrived home when the clock almost ticking to 1 am. and since then, i just stay at home doing things like usual things i did when i was during semester break. the different part is just i cannot go out meeting my friend here. i cannot say i'm bored staying at home knowing that all the front liners are struggling real hard to stop the virus from keep spreading. so as a normal citizen, i am doing my part just by staying at home. so i can't say my job is hard compare to them, right? the restriction movement order was ordered until this 14th april. but idk, it feels like the government will extend the date of the rmo, looking back at the situation right now.

i can still remember when the media announce regarding the issue when it's happening in China. i was with my college friends talking about this issue and we were saying like wow look at them, look at the country, it looks like a zombie country. no people seen walking around the streets. the virus are spreading like damn crazy. nothing is fun living in paranoid. though you didn't get infected, but each day coming, you dont feel safe. you cant feel safe till it's gone. until the virus is totally gone. it's only me in this house, with both of my parents. my siblings still there in selangor and south area. they cant get here. and i am glad knowing that they're working from home now. i was so worried when mom told me that week ago, my second brother was still went to his office. i mean ya i know they're all big guy now and of course wiser than me, but me just being me. i am afraid if something or anything bad happen to my family members. i love them. so much. i cant imagine my life without any of them. though i look like i dont care much about them. but no. though i am the useless one in this family. 

anyway, i am missing my friends so much. my college friends. my friends here in perlis. though some of my close friends are back in here, we cannot meet each other. i miss us so much. though they didnt. but i still do. though i'm good at shut them out. pushing people away. ignoring them. but, nothing can be measured my love towards each of them. 

as per record, i am in the third semester of my degree. and i really dont know whats gonna happen to my grade this sem. looking at the current situation that we're having. i can't tell if i will pass this semester with good pointers or not. i really hope the pandemic situation wont be the reason of my studies performance. and i really hope this will end soon. like real soon. cant imagine this ramadhan without my friends, and there would be no bazaar, no tarawih. things are just going to be so different. hoping and praying for the goods. if He wills, it wills be. 

most of my time

that feelings comes stroking me

most of the times at night

but someday when i was left all alone 

in my bedroom

i spend most of my time in my life 

sitting at my study table 

write, write, tryna find some inspiration 

tryna find something 

that represent myself 

till i got lost 

again and again 

i spend most of my time in my life 

laying down in my bedroom

looking through the windows 

looking through the white ceiling 

up there 

looking through the skies and clouds 

that was beautifully created by Him 

outside 

outside from my ability to catch it

i spend most of time in my life 

wondering, wondering if i could change 

the way i live my life, earlier 

if i got the chance to do so 

wondering where it went wrong 

wondering how could i make it right 

wondering if i have the guts to ask 

to ask why 

to ask how 

wondering why i grew up with that fear 

that makes me turn up like this 

wondering why i do not create the chance myself 

and then i realize, i was too young and dumb 

i was following my emotions rather than thinking

in a rational way

i was too afraid of my surrounding 

i was all alone 

i was a someone who spend most of my time all alone 

informal greets of new decade

to stay being in the positive condition is not easy, to be honest. i lost to myself. every time i thought i was doing good and better. to fight the little demon inside this body is tough. but i know i am not alone. going through this path, i am not alone. i try very hard to fight this procrastination thing. i have almost finish my new entry regarding new year but it got stuck and i just leave it in the draft section for so long till i do not feel to finish it anymore. this semester break is just same like every semester before. since my diploma's semester break. i am okay tho. this friday i will be at my brother's place and as usual he will send me off to the college. starting new semester. i will be in semester 3 real soon. like hello, i really cannot believe that i just passed 1 year of my degree life and i am gonna continue with the second year. it feels like it is just yesterday i got the offer to palam. but hey, it is ok. you're doing good there, right girl? i know life there might trips up a bit but look who got dean list for the second semester. i can't thank enough for that matter, even though i thought i did bad for the language paper. but luckily still got the title. to give more updates on what i am gonna do for the next semester, will still involved in the theater performances (maybe). since i already in the club. let's see how it goes later. i hope less mental breakdowns behind that closed door and less tears please.