it has passed a month of restriction movement order and we still have to go through for another two weeks. and i have start my online class for a week already. honestly what i got to say is just, online class is hard. it is more harder than physical class. i mean, i dont mind the fact that i have to go rushing get myself ready, get dressed and everything, go to the class by my motorcycle or when i have to go by grab, just to attend the class. i dont mind those things anymore. but online class. it's just tire me up in certain ways that totally different. well i must i say that there are pros and cons towards those two things. like i dont have to shower up first before entering my morning class. i mean, will just go turning on my laptop as soon as i wake up in the morning.i can eat whenever and whatever i want during the class, i dont have to wear scarf in the class, i dont have to face the familiar faces and i dont have to keep pretending to be friendly and all to people i dont feel to be friendly with. ya. but the thing is, i am scare to look and my phone and checking up the messages, because the lecturers will be posting about the class, the assessments, the dateline, it makes me feel like i'm being watched by somebody, being judged but i cant face the person in real. now that sucks. i really hope this things will end very soon. but i know the online class will be conducted for this whole semester regardless how the health issue in this country would be. but after all, i wont stop praying and hoping for the best. to everyone. to the whole world. things happen for reasons right. lotsa thing would be the reasons behind this pandemic things. it's just depends to us to realize or not. or maybe we did realize but we choose not to. to avoid making the right things. to avoid from continue being judge. and to let the thoughts of what people might say about ourselves keep lingering in mind. for me, myself. i know during this hard times, i should be doing something more useful or memorable or something that i wont regret later. because i have so much time to do it now. i got, we got lot of free time to bond with whoever we're living with, right? stop being so selfish. and making the right action. i know it is hard. because i never taught so. but i should learn from my past. really. never take things for granted. enjoy every second of the moments you have with your loved ones. keep creating the memories. though it is a bad one now at this moment but something that later you will smile when you remember it. i know myself, i am struggling and fighting my own demon real hard when i am staying at home. to control the anger to control the feelings that nobody would understand even if they say they are. but no. to keep motivate. to keep wishing, hoping and trying to do good things towards them. is hard. but not a day, that i do not try. i wish i just try harder everyday. maybe. not a day in my life, i do not want to stop my addiction. towards the thing. every single night before i hit the hay, i wish to stop. but sometimes without i realize, i still doing it. or i could not stop. i have been living with it. there is so much things, so much secrets i want to let it out in here. knowing that no ones will read this. but maybe not now. or maybe i'll just let all the secrets die with me someday. you know somethings are better left unsaid. for the better in people's life.
when i enter degree life. i promise myself, i wont be like my old self. but as days passing through, i have becoming worse than her in the past. it doesnt just scares me, but it disgust me. a lot. i'm ashamed of myself. of who ive turn to be. i cant see good improvement of me. i just let myself down, every day. still so afraid to face each day coming. thinking. at the beginning of this year, i hope more from me in 2020. but things messed up. i still cant change my view towards certain things, no matter how i try to change the way i look at them. should find myself the answers very soon. till now.
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