what after a terrible night?

19th january 2019, i went to my cousin wedding with my whole family. everyone was here, back to kampung for the kenduri. everything was so good at first, me, getting ready for the kenduri, do my make up, my sister came to my room to borrow my make ups, and we all the entire family wearing almost the same colour, blue and violet kind of theme though the wedding theme is grey! we came late to the wedding because as always, abah was so busy (again, always) and then, we arrived there. once i step in the hall, i saw the crowds, of course there were crowds, that was a wedding reception, what do you expect girl? but i tried to calm myself. ok relax girl, just relax yourself, dont make any eye contact with anybody. luckily my family choose a table that very far from the other guests, so guess i am safe then? 

right after the akad, of course there will be makan makan and stuff while the bride and the groom is getting ready to bersanding. suddenly i feel uneasy with the crowds, standing and moving around the hall. talking and so noisy, i feel so suffocated and annoys with my surrounding. i feel like going home. the pressure i got from my family member asking me to get the food while i dont feel like eating yet. and i really feel not comfortable with the situation. i need to distract myself but idk how. i am afraid if people come and approach me and talk to me. i dont want any interaction and not want to have any conversation with people. that was my cousin wedding and for sure there will be a lot of my relatives, my aunts and uncle, cousins and wtv. i feel like crying. until for one point i stand up and  immediately went out from the wedding hall. i dont know where i was heading but at least, far from the crowds. i was so afraid, i start trembling and you know nafas turun naik kind of thing. shit. that was so unforgettable moment in my life so far. i never became like that in public, as far as i remember that shits only happen to me while i was in my room. but that was in public. and at that time i really did not care if people saw me cry or wtv i reach my phone and call my friend (the only one who i can rely on at that time). idk how to tell her but i feel a bit calm knowing that there was a person who i could talk at that moment. after a few minutes, i end my call. stand up and walk away from the front door of the hall and sat at a corner. control my breath back and calm my mind. it took me around 15 minutes because i need to went back to the hall cause i dont want my family to find out or ask me anything. went back to the hall and pretend like that fucked up moment never happened in my life but shit, i clearly remember how terrible it was.