was in my brother's car with him, my nephew and my mom. brother driving all the way from putrajaya to puncak alam. sending me off to college. after two days being at his home over the weekend. i dont know why i make decision to stay at his place. knowing that i will keep feeling uncomfortable and will definitely feel the pain, again. but ya, still going there. spending time with mom while shes still here in putrajaya. before she is going back to perlis. i dont like being around with my family especially when the stress and the tension is come. i will go mad and behave like a bitch. back to the first sentence of this entry, while i was in my brother's car all the way back to college. the heavy feelings come in and knock me down, hit me hard. it was raining at that time. i was struggling having a battle with my self. i could not help myself but the feeling to drop my tears at the moment is real. brother was beside me and obviously i can't let it drop. i cannot. trying so hard to hide it. but i managed to do it. when the water from the clouds up there fall down and hitting the car heavily, i feel sick, my heart pounding, fast, i reminiscing all the situation, the things happen back then, few days, weeks, months or even a year ego, that is sick!
every fucking time i am typing message to send it over to some of friends, wanted to tell them how this feelings and thinkings keep distracting my life, my self, i delete it. i changed my mind. what is the point if i let them know. no. they can't know. they dont have to know that i am still struggling every single day to stop these thinkings. my heart feel so heavy. everything i did feels so wrong. every decision i make doesnt turn out good. every person i cared about, dont even give a damn about me. how selfish i am. and right now, sitting in my new room in college, writing this crap again and again. put the depressing words into this virtual world. keep this here. keep the struggle i face every single day. here.
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