random thoughts

of being second choice to everyone. the need to speak more louder to get people to hear me, what i was saying or asking. i am tired of all those things. being the last person to be remembered. people only come to me when they need something. when they need a shoulder to cry on. when they need a person to let it out. when they need a person to just listening to their part, their stories. until they are done with that. they leave. and i am struggling all alone again. putting effort to be in someone's good memories. putting effort to keep in touch. putting effort to make people smile. putting effort to fulfill their needs. and then i'm back with all those heavy feelings, all alone. though all of those things, though i am tired of those, i am still willing to help and cheer them up. be there to just listen. cause i love them. actually, what does love really means? love is, making other people happy though you're not? love is, you care for somebody even though they're not? 

too much things running through my head, every single day. my life, my study, my parents and family. my future. and everything. from the smallest thing in world, to the huge one. i cannot stop thinking until i feel the pain sometimes. i want to cry but sometimes i cannot till i need to find reason to. i cared too much about what people say and think about me. i cared too much about whatever i do that might hurt anyone else.i think about how to be better. in every aspect. about how to not let someone else down because of me. about my financial. about my degree life. my circle of friends. my real one? do i have any? do they think the same about me? i keep thinking and get anxious. i get worried. till i cannot sit still. walking around room. here and there. look at through the windows. sit back at the bed. trembling. thinking about how useless, worthless, unimportant and annoyed i can be. thinking about how people around me treat one another. raise up their voices to one another. their sarcasm. how rude they can be. how bad they can go. thinking about the different that might happened if the way they are raised change. i see those things. and think about it. everything is in my head. hold too much secrets. to myself. until i feel tired. not including thinking about how to end this bad habit of mine. as much as if i end myself or, not exist. from day one of my life. thinking about how fake people can be. whats the point of contacting each other. you dont really wanna know about how my life is going. i mean, whats the point if you know how miserable my life is. you probably just clapping your hand there. with all those fake words saying 'ah i miss you too, hope to see you soon' 'i miss to spend time with you' 'long time no see you should come and visit us' so fake. and expecting me to just be there for you guys. look at your annoying face. i have better things to do rather than catching up will people who i dont feel to. i choose my circle. my own circle. but, that is sad. the circle never be created. 

i need help, too.