most of my time

that feelings comes stroking me

most of the times at night

but someday when i was left all alone 

in my bedroom

i spend most of my time in my life 

sitting at my study table 

write, write, tryna find some inspiration 

tryna find something 

that represent myself 

till i got lost 

again and again 

i spend most of my time in my life 

laying down in my bedroom

looking through the windows 

looking through the white ceiling 

up there 

looking through the skies and clouds 

that was beautifully created by Him 

outside 

outside from my ability to catch it

i spend most of time in my life 

wondering, wondering if i could change 

the way i live my life, earlier 

if i got the chance to do so 

wondering where it went wrong 

wondering how could i make it right 

wondering if i have the guts to ask 

to ask why 

to ask how 

wondering why i grew up with that fear 

that makes me turn up like this 

wondering why i do not create the chance myself 

and then i realize, i was too young and dumb 

i was following my emotions rather than thinking

in a rational way

i was too afraid of my surrounding 

i was all alone 

i was a someone who spend most of my time all alone 

informal greets of new decade

to stay being in the positive condition is not easy, to be honest. i lost to myself. every time i thought i was doing good and better. to fight the little demon inside this body is tough. but i know i am not alone. going through this path, i am not alone. i try very hard to fight this procrastination thing. i have almost finish my new entry regarding new year but it got stuck and i just leave it in the draft section for so long till i do not feel to finish it anymore. this semester break is just same like every semester before. since my diploma's semester break. i am okay tho. this friday i will be at my brother's place and as usual he will send me off to the college. starting new semester. i will be in semester 3 real soon. like hello, i really cannot believe that i just passed 1 year of my degree life and i am gonna continue with the second year. it feels like it is just yesterday i got the offer to palam. but hey, it is ok. you're doing good there, right girl? i know life there might trips up a bit but look who got dean list for the second semester. i can't thank enough for that matter, even though i thought i did bad for the language paper. but luckily still got the title. to give more updates on what i am gonna do for the next semester, will still involved in the theater performances (maybe). since i already in the club. let's see how it goes later. i hope less mental breakdowns behind that closed door and less tears please.

looking back to see and realizing things

i mention this in every of my social media after the end of week 14, semester 2 is full with tears and lot of unwanted emotion. meeting new people and getting close with people i never expect i will get close to. bringing them into my life in such a very unexpected way and the bonding we had, is something i do not know how to precisely describe. i swear to God, when i first step into degree life there, i promise to myself to not get close with anyone there, to set the boundaries with whoever i be with, housemates or even classmates. i had enough with disappointments and i do not want to be in that phase anymore. i cannot get close with people because i know things will get worse cause i am easily attached to them. i will get sad if i don't get the same treatment from that particular person anymore. i am afraid if i cannot handle the situation. just like what i am facing right now. i am not gonna write about that person, nope. but someday. 

 

what 2019 has taught me so far? to be honest, i do not know what every year has taught me. did i ever learn something throughout every year that has passed. i have no idea. i start my 2019 in some place. far from my hometown. far from familiar faces i have know. be in somewhere where nobody knows me. start my new journey at a place i never thought i will be at. but there i go. and almost finishing two semesters of my degree life there. final exam is just two weeks from now. i am totally not ready for that. for sure. how was my degree life so far? i don't know how to describe it. it is totally way different from diploma. life gets triple times harder here. i got better friends, i must say. the way they support each other in everything we do. i am amaze by that. maybe because of the different surrounding. most of them came from the area, the way they think, is different. from my circle before. in a good way. we got so close like a family and that is what i am afraid of actually. towards the beginning of semester 2, we can see the gap. we can see which one can be considered as what we want them to be consider is. and i start to realize that people not gonna stay the same. forever. nope. but i am glad to be in this opportunity of learning a lot of new things. i hope this journey will become  a lot more great and adventurous for me and my friends there. deep inside, i do not want to end this life as a student. i am surely gonna miss every single little thing i did as a student now. hold back that tears girl, this post is not about the end of me being a student yet. but ya i just remember one thing that 2019 give me to think about. accepting. i need to learn more on that. and there's lot of things to work on regarding that. accepting in many ways. accepting that not all people gonna stay forever in your life. accepting people into your life, because until when you wanna block the open door of your life. accepting advice from others. accepting that you, yourself, make mistakes too and that's okay. accepting that we have so much to improve. and many more of acceptance in this life. including accepting to move on. the only thing that stuck with me since 2017. but ya don't worry dear self, i am working on that, very hard, every day.