a terrible dream

i had a worst && terrible dream last night. i was awake for few times and afraid to go back to sleep. i was wondering inside my house in dark, went to my parents room to check on them. luckily they did not close the door so i can see them from outside of the room. i dont know what is wrong with me last night. i was so anxious, my heart was so pounding. i was so scare. i overthink out of sudden. about everything including things that i should not. even by remembering what has happened last night makes me want to cry. shit this is not good. and why the hell i always wanted to cry out of sudden everyday and feel scare. i cant sit still. something is wrong with me. i need this to stop. please. i am tired pretending i was ok, i am not. 

into a new year?

first january of 2019, yes this is it. today. and i am moving to a new age. twenty-two. just like before, i am totally not ready moving to new age, new number. am still havent figure out what i really am, and what am i really want in life now. havent able to get out from here and discover myself. have not able to know what i am capable to do. but that is ok. i think 2019 will be the year for it. i hope. meet new people, be in new places, explore and out of my comfort zone. i hope. but i am deeply thankful that i am graduate from college this year with a diploma. that is the highlight of this year to be honest. but sometimes, you know, i am thinking about the future. it scares me. well, all the time actually. this growing and adulthood kind of thing makes me feel nervous and suffocated. i hate when i always feeling down when i compare my life with the other especially my friends. some got their dream job, do what they really want to do, their passion towards their job. some got to further their studies and be far from home and able to discover and identify what they capable to do, grow up and be more independent. some could be in a new whole surrounding and meet new people and enjoy their life to the fullest. i envy with them. i envy with how they live their life. why it seems so hard for somebody like me. unsupported family, unmotivated self, and sometimes i feel i am being left out from my friends. i cannot tell anyone how i really feel because i am scare, people wont accept if i am complaining about life, about everything. all this loads are so heavy, i am afraid i cant hold this anymore. i am always at my lowest time, lowest moment, i lock myself in my room. lying down on my bed or sometimes on the floor, look at the windows or sometimes at my dream catcher hanging in my room. tears streaming down my cheek. listening to loud music hoping it distract me from those thinkings. i am afraid. i feel not good enough. i feel so useless. i feel i should not be here in this world. i am thinking to end my life. shit, that is the scariest thing in my life. i am starting to get to my addiction towards..., yah it makes me feel bad. i am bad. 29th december, 2018. when i was out with my two friends, i should be so happy that day, but those heavy feeling came attacking me while i suppose to have good time with them. my body feels so heavy that i cant even make myself get out from bed and getting ready before they picked up me. i cant even answering to those phone calls to avoid sound so trembled. but i try my hardest, because i dont want to hurt them, my friends, because i dont want to let them know how i feel. typing this entry also makes me nervous and anxious. though nobody would read this.
one of my friend told me how she felt, maybe just like me and she afraid she will becoming even worse. i envy again, how she got the strength to let me know. when i cant even tell anyone. including the closest one. this is suppose to be a new year entry, a positive and motivated one but i am fucked up. and i suppose to publish on the first day of january but it turns out, it is forth of january today. loser me.

ninth october was the day

this makes me look so pathetic if i am still writing about him. ya. pathetic; myself. but whatever it is, nobody is gonna judge me here anyway. i hope. the past few weeks, i have been passing through in front of his house, the first time ever i know where is his exact house. but decided to pass through it anyway. for the first time, i feel stuck. cant really focus to what my friends say after i lalu in front of the house. and then, yah, it feels normal back. i know, nothing could change. we will still remain like this. and never ever going back to how we used to be. because that was so toxic to him. but i am truly, honestly and completely happy for him now. he is so much better, i know. good for him.