every year

why do i have to face this every fucking year on the first day of eid. i hate my life. other people really cannot say just appreciate hari raya and celebrate it well with family and friends. no. i suffer every year since i was a kid on this kind of day. i am suffering. tears on hari raya every year is tiring. feeling depressed and not worthy on hari raya is tiring. feeling useless and know that it will happen again next year is tiring. i try hard to stay positive on hari raya. every year i try to be better but i was wrong. i can’t be better. i can’t be kind. i can’t hoping that raya would be so colourful and full of happiness. raya is stressful, tiring, depressing, load of hard work, angry. raya is stressing me out. i am 22 years old this year and i still cannot change my perception towards raya. let’s see how it goes. 22 years celebrating this day and i cannot find where is the happiness. i try to show how okay i am in front of my friends in fact i’m broken as hell, i’m hurting and feeling numb. i dont wish i can change my thoughts about raya. it’s all fake. what’s with new clothes, good food and etc if all those doesn’t bring happiness. i dont like this day. i want to get out from here

i lost to myself, again

again, i cannot keep my promise to myself. i hate this. i keep repeating doin the same thing. the same mistake. the same bad things all over again. this is so bad. i am in holy month right now. ramadhan kareem. few days away to eid and i am currently at home. just got back from uni yesterday. what a journey to be here. a day full of waiting. i keep postpone from writing. for real, i have a lot to write and to tell here. a lot. 

i wont deny. here is so hot. the weather is extremely hot. i need to find another spot to write and which is my brother's room. not much better but better than mine. need to settle down few things while am here. well, most likely regarding my previous educational loan. i have become active repayer and i need to postpone this and that. few things. am a bit scare. a bit anxious. but girl sokay, you gotta settle this one by one. relax. (though i cannot) 

talking about my bad habits. i thought i could handle that, apparently am not! bitch you weak. i still doing that. how toooo stop please:( am tired. get close to Him. i know. but i didnt do it. what kind of demon is inside me God help. i am currently have nobody to talk to about myself. all my friends are busy with their life. and i should not bother them. they have rights to live their life and not to think about my silly ass. i cant tell this to my family. obviously i cant. i cannot tell this to my friends at uni. we just got to know each other. there are still boudaries and in fact they wont believe me. i dont have anyone. i just have myself and sometimes that is tiring to only have yourself at the end of the day. i need somebody to pat on my back sometimes not just my own hands. i need somebody to hug me and listen to all my nonsense not just the other side of me. not just me and my demons. i need somebody to really know that i am struggling, to check on me, to ask me how am i handle my anxiety today. how am i face my stress and stuff today. but knowing me, i keep pushing people away. how can i have one... this is why i dont really favor being at home. being alone at home makes things worst. makes me become worst. i cant be alone please. anybody please listen to me, i cant be alone or it will come to me again. 

it is a brand new life?

i am currently writing this blog at my new place. it has been almost 4 weeks i am here in Puncak Alam. continuing what i have been wanting for. to achieve what i have been dreaming of. i really hope this is not a wrong decision to be made. because knowing me, the one who always making wrong decision in life. i have meet few people here. and still in knowing process. this is too early to claim anyone as people who will get through everything with me. this is too early. but i am glad and cant thankful enough that God place me in the same house with bunch of good people that i can fit in. but i hate myself for longing to be alone. well most probably because i used to be alone at home. so i feel like a bit uncomfortable when surrounded by a lot of people. everywhere in group makes me suffocating. but that does not meant i hate them. just like my classmates, i like them. they are fun to be with but knowing me, i need some space and some times to adapt in every changes and to accept people in my life. and right now, still struggling with be around guys. i dont like when i always wanna get mad and easily annoyed with guys. they do not do anything. it is just me. change that attitude girl. you gotta be brave and change that silly bad attitude because youre not a teen anymore. youre a young adult and have to overcome that. you can do it girl. 

regarding my anxiety, i feel like that in control now. havent have tears streaming down at my cheek in weeks now. i feel a lot more stronger than before. and i dont really into my feeling. i guess being far from home is good sometimes, less drama less fights. less hurting people that i love. i do miss them, a lot. but this is for good. i will come back, and be better than i was and i am now. if God wills. i will. 

and sadly, i still checking up on him sometimes, go through his profile and see how happy he is now makes me feel relief and make the guilty feeling inside me go, not all but at least it does. at times i feeling sucks and still haunting by past mistakes, i keep reminding myself, he is at better place now with better companion. and that makes me feel a bit in ease. will always pray for his happiness. 

i need to get in the right track back, remind myself why am i here. what exactly i want to prove this time. i know this not gonna be easy but i will go through this path no matter how it looks like. this is the beginning.