enough about them, now it is on you

if people could not make time for me, i will make time for my own self. i will treat myself, i will buy myself something nice, eat something good, have a tasty drink. i will. i am tired to please on people who doesnt do the same thing. i try to keep in touch with certain people but at the end it will let me down. i have decide to stop putting more effort than i suppose to. stop showing interest to anyone and i wont, at all. i will focus more on myself. now, this is just about me, myself and i. who wants to stay, who wants to be at my side, yes please, but if you wanna leave, go ahead, i dont mind. i am completely ok. that's true. friends can break your heart too. i wont depend too much on other people including my family. so girl, this is a reminder for ya, stand on your own feet. be brave, and kind. dont forget that. brave enough to handle all the obstacles in life, and be kind enough when treating other people. dont show hate but spreading positiveness. dont think too much about people and enough making friend! treat them the same. equally. dont get too close to anyone. be neutral to avoid heartbreak. focus on your damn self. self love is not just loving yourself. eat good. take enough rest. do anything that make yourself better and better each day. keep on doin the positive things and dont let negativity affect your life. exercise. read. draw. write. taking photos. do anything that you love to do. ignore the bad vibe. love you. love your body. love your imperfections. love your scars. you have you, girl. you have you. 

every year

why do i have to face this every fucking year on the first day of eid. i hate my life. other people really cannot say just appreciate hari raya and celebrate it well with family and friends. no. i suffer every year since i was a kid on this kind of day. i am suffering. tears on hari raya every year is tiring. feeling depressed and not worthy on hari raya is tiring. feeling useless and know that it will happen again next year is tiring. i try hard to stay positive on hari raya. every year i try to be better but i was wrong. i can’t be better. i can’t be kind. i can’t hoping that raya would be so colourful and full of happiness. raya is stressful, tiring, depressing, load of hard work, angry. raya is stressing me out. i am 22 years old this year and i still cannot change my perception towards raya. let’s see how it goes. 22 years celebrating this day and i cannot find where is the happiness. i try to show how okay i am in front of my friends in fact i’m broken as hell, i’m hurting and feeling numb. i dont wish i can change my thoughts about raya. it’s all fake. what’s with new clothes, good food and etc if all those doesn’t bring happiness. i dont like this day. i want to get out from here

i lost to myself, again

again, i cannot keep my promise to myself. i hate this. i keep repeating doin the same thing. the same mistake. the same bad things all over again. this is so bad. i am in holy month right now. ramadhan kareem. few days away to eid and i am currently at home. just got back from uni yesterday. what a journey to be here. a day full of waiting. i keep postpone from writing. for real, i have a lot to write and to tell here. a lot. 

i wont deny. here is so hot. the weather is extremely hot. i need to find another spot to write and which is my brother's room. not much better but better than mine. need to settle down few things while am here. well, most likely regarding my previous educational loan. i have become active repayer and i need to postpone this and that. few things. am a bit scare. a bit anxious. but girl sokay, you gotta settle this one by one. relax. (though i cannot) 

talking about my bad habits. i thought i could handle that, apparently am not! bitch you weak. i still doing that. how toooo stop please:( am tired. get close to Him. i know. but i didnt do it. what kind of demon is inside me God help. i am currently have nobody to talk to about myself. all my friends are busy with their life. and i should not bother them. they have rights to live their life and not to think about my silly ass. i cant tell this to my family. obviously i cant. i cannot tell this to my friends at uni. we just got to know each other. there are still boudaries and in fact they wont believe me. i dont have anyone. i just have myself and sometimes that is tiring to only have yourself at the end of the day. i need somebody to pat on my back sometimes not just my own hands. i need somebody to hug me and listen to all my nonsense not just the other side of me. not just me and my demons. i need somebody to really know that i am struggling, to check on me, to ask me how am i handle my anxiety today. how am i face my stress and stuff today. but knowing me, i keep pushing people away. how can i have one... this is why i dont really favor being at home. being alone at home makes things worst. makes me become worst. i cant be alone please. anybody please listen to me, i cant be alone or it will come to me again.