uhh things

it has passed a month of restriction movement order and we still have to go through for another two weeks. and i have start my online class for a week already. honestly what i got to say is just, online class is hard. it is more harder than physical class. i mean, i dont mind the fact that i have to go rushing get myself ready, get dressed and everything, go to the class by my motorcycle or when i have to go by grab, just to attend the class. i dont mind those things anymore. but online class. it's just tire me up in certain ways that totally different. well i must i say that there are pros and cons towards those two things. like i dont have to shower up first before entering my morning class. i mean, will just go turning on my laptop as soon as i wake up in the morning.i can eat whenever and whatever i want during the class, i dont have to wear scarf in the class, i dont have to face the familiar faces and i dont have to keep pretending to be friendly and all to people i dont feel to be friendly with. ya. but the thing is, i am scare to look and my phone and checking up the messages, because the lecturers will be posting about the class, the assessments, the dateline, it makes me feel like i'm being watched by somebody, being judged but i cant face the person in real. now that sucks. i really hope this things will end very soon. but i know the online class will be conducted for this whole semester regardless how the health issue in this country would be. but after all, i wont stop praying and hoping for the best. to everyone. to the whole world. things happen for reasons right. lotsa thing would be the reasons behind this pandemic things. it's just depends to us to realize or not. or maybe we did realize but we choose not to. to avoid making the right things. to avoid from continue being judge. and to let the thoughts of what people might say about ourselves keep lingering in mind. for me, myself. i know during this hard times, i should be doing something more useful or memorable or something that i wont regret later. because i have so much time to do it now. i got, we got lot of free time to bond with whoever we're living with, right? stop being so selfish. and making the right action. i know it is hard. because i never taught so. but i should learn from my past. really. never take things for granted. enjoy every second of the moments you have with your loved ones. keep creating the memories. though it is a bad one now at this moment but something that later you will smile when you remember it. i know myself, i am struggling and fighting my own demon real hard when i am staying at home. to control the anger to control the feelings that nobody would understand even if they say they are. but no. to keep motivate. to keep wishing, hoping and trying to do good things towards them. is hard. but not a day, that i do not try. i wish i just try harder everyday. maybe. not a day in my life, i do not want to stop my addiction. towards the thing. every single night before i hit the hay, i wish to stop. but sometimes without i realize, i still doing it. or i could not stop. i have been living with it. there is so much things, so much secrets i want to let it out in here. knowing that no ones will read this. but maybe not now. or maybe i'll just let all the secrets die with me someday. you know somethings are better left unsaid. for the better in people's life. 

when i enter degree life. i promise myself, i wont be like my old self. but as days passing through, i have becoming worse than her in the past. it doesnt just scares me, but it disgust me. a lot. i'm ashamed of myself. of who ive turn to be. i cant see good improvement of me. i just let myself down, every day. still so afraid to face each day coming. thinking. at the beginning of this year, i hope more from me in 2020. but things messed up. i still cant change my view towards certain things, no matter how i try to change the way i look at them. should find myself the answers very soon. till now. 

great entrance of the year

2020, gives a lot of surprises. really. at this point, i don't have any idea what my life is going to be at the end of this year. or next year. or even right now? the coming of 2020 actually scares me. i feel like this year pressuring me silently. this year, it expecting something big from me. but who have ever thought that i actually, the one who expect a lot from whatever coming in 2020. cut it short. right at this moment. 8th april, i am in my bedroom in my hometown. typing in this blog post column after months. while i suppose to be at my college, doing my assignments, cry over the unfinished tasks, stress over my life in palam, but no. i am in my bedroom. in perlis. sigh. the country is having real big health, economic issue right now. almost all the country in this world are facing with pandemic issue. the virus is getting huge and serious. attacking people's lives and lead to so many death cases. even in this country. my university students were ordered to empty the college buildings as soon as possible on the 17th march. and i was rushing back from uni. luckily i got a friend who was driving back to perlis also and he gave me a lift. a friend from the theater club. so i arrived home when the clock almost ticking to 1 am. and since then, i just stay at home doing things like usual things i did when i was during semester break. the different part is just i cannot go out meeting my friend here. i cannot say i'm bored staying at home knowing that all the front liners are struggling real hard to stop the virus from keep spreading. so as a normal citizen, i am doing my part just by staying at home. so i can't say my job is hard compare to them, right? the restriction movement order was ordered until this 14th april. but idk, it feels like the government will extend the date of the rmo, looking back at the situation right now.

i can still remember when the media announce regarding the issue when it's happening in China. i was with my college friends talking about this issue and we were saying like wow look at them, look at the country, it looks like a zombie country. no people seen walking around the streets. the virus are spreading like damn crazy. nothing is fun living in paranoid. though you didn't get infected, but each day coming, you dont feel safe. you cant feel safe till it's gone. until the virus is totally gone. it's only me in this house, with both of my parents. my siblings still there in selangor and south area. they cant get here. and i am glad knowing that they're working from home now. i was so worried when mom told me that week ago, my second brother was still went to his office. i mean ya i know they're all big guy now and of course wiser than me, but me just being me. i am afraid if something or anything bad happen to my family members. i love them. so much. i cant imagine my life without any of them. though i look like i dont care much about them. but no. though i am the useless one in this family. 

anyway, i am missing my friends so much. my college friends. my friends here in perlis. though some of my close friends are back in here, we cannot meet each other. i miss us so much. though they didnt. but i still do. though i'm good at shut them out. pushing people away. ignoring them. but, nothing can be measured my love towards each of them. 

as per record, i am in the third semester of my degree. and i really dont know whats gonna happen to my grade this sem. looking at the current situation that we're having. i can't tell if i will pass this semester with good pointers or not. i really hope the pandemic situation wont be the reason of my studies performance. and i really hope this will end soon. like real soon. cant imagine this ramadhan without my friends, and there would be no bazaar, no tarawih. things are just going to be so different. hoping and praying for the goods. if He wills, it wills be. 

most of my time

that feelings comes stroking me

most of the times at night

but someday when i was left all alone 

in my bedroom

i spend most of my time in my life 

sitting at my study table 

write, write, tryna find some inspiration 

tryna find something 

that represent myself 

till i got lost 

again and again 

i spend most of my time in my life 

laying down in my bedroom

looking through the windows 

looking through the white ceiling 

up there 

looking through the skies and clouds 

that was beautifully created by Him 

outside 

outside from my ability to catch it

i spend most of time in my life 

wondering, wondering if i could change 

the way i live my life, earlier 

if i got the chance to do so 

wondering where it went wrong 

wondering how could i make it right 

wondering if i have the guts to ask 

to ask why 

to ask how 

wondering why i grew up with that fear 

that makes me turn up like this 

wondering why i do not create the chance myself 

and then i realize, i was too young and dumb 

i was following my emotions rather than thinking

in a rational way

i was too afraid of my surrounding 

i was all alone 

i was a someone who spend most of my time all alone