lost and confuse

monday, 25 Jun 2018. i don't know what am i doing with my life at this moment. just finish my diploma last month and waiting for my graduation this upcoming october. i need a job before i further my studies. i need to get a life for now. get out of this boredom. i have to but i dont know where and how to start. where should i find a job? i dont have transportation. my father wouldn't let me drive on my own (that is for sure). so what am i gonna do. 

more than a week of eid have passed. this year, this aidilfitri is the worst i can tell. i avoid at my very best to communicate with the uncles and aunts because for sure they going to ask question like "what r u doing now?" "have u finish with your studies?" "do you get a job already?" "what is your plan now after finish doing diploma?" hell yeah. it is not like i want to be rude but, aunts, we can start a conversation by not asking about me right because to be fucking honest with you all, i dont know how should i answer all the questions! because my plan, my life plan, will not go as what i want it to go. they are always boundaries and obstacles in my life. and i hate it. 

i want to get out from here. meet new people. get to know new things. be in a new surrounding. learn other culture. i dont want to be in the same place for the rest of my life. i need to challenge myself. i need to know what i am capable to do. can they let me do this? 

woke up every morning and feel so damn useless. i hate depending myself too much on people. i need to motivate myself but shit, i always procrastinate everything. get a lifeeeee please get a life. dont be such a lazy ass. 

it is not the end right

so many things happens lately. sad things mostly. i have end my final semester in college and currently waiting for my internship time. next january. well, and i'm at home now. perlis. no more in kedah. no more in alor setar. no more in mergong. no more in taman mutiara. no more go to college with my cliques there. my friends there. hangouts with them and do many things together. no more. it is not fun actually. i am bored here. no friends. no people to talk to. my parents are always busy. and i am always alone at home. my siblings aren't here and i'm trapped here! but not that bad at least i can do saving. and make preparation to the next stage of life. i almost end my diploma's life and cant wait to continue my studies in degree. of course i want and i will further my studies. i wont just stop here. well, if my brother can do that why not me.

last few days last two days to be exact, on 22 november one of my sch mate, my college mate, passed away. no longer here in this world. ahmad izzuddin azlisham or known as agon. he died due to damaged of his brain. he had been comma for a week in ccu. i am grateful that i got the chance to visit him at the hospital with huda. two days visiting him there in bahiyyah and we heard some good news and the response due to the test made by the doctor. but after all, we cant ever deny His plan. Allah Almighty. His plan is the greatest. Allah loves him more than us here. it is enough for a week he's fighting in the ward. for a week he keeps being strong. i do feel the sadness. though we not so close but i have know him since we are 13 years old. went to the same high sch and same college. he was a nice guy and always help his friends who is in need of help. i've never seen he mad. he always smile. may good place for him there, may Allah swt place him in jannah inshaAllah. 

there's more to tell. there's more to express. but i need to stop here. and if God wills, i will keep update from time to time. 

fresh start, again?

hoping that it will keep constant. doing all the things that i want to do. hoping that it will last longer, more than i expect. hi, i am me. unofficially 20 years old this year. nothing much have change. 20 is not so great number. i just continue my boring life as usual. going to college, taking final, move to the next semester, back home for semester break, spend time with my family, no probably more to my parents. now, few days left for final examination for this semester. and then, i will continue doing nothing at home. it is not like i am not enjoy being at home but, being home means i cant go anywhere i want. well, when i am at Kedah also i cant go wherever i want but at least, i got friends there. here i am, writing this inside my lovely bedroom. hoping that maybe it will change, a little. not much.