it is a brand new life?

i am currently writing this blog at my new place. it has been almost 4 weeks i am here in Puncak Alam. continuing what i have been wanting for. to achieve what i have been dreaming of. i really hope this is not a wrong decision to be made. because knowing me, the one who always making wrong decision in life. i have meet few people here. and still in knowing process. this is too early to claim anyone as people who will get through everything with me. this is too early. but i am glad and cant thankful enough that God place me in the same house with bunch of good people that i can fit in. but i hate myself for longing to be alone. well most probably because i used to be alone at home. so i feel like a bit uncomfortable when surrounded by a lot of people. everywhere in group makes me suffocating. but that does not meant i hate them. just like my classmates, i like them. they are fun to be with but knowing me, i need some space and some times to adapt in every changes and to accept people in my life. and right now, still struggling with be around guys. i dont like when i always wanna get mad and easily annoyed with guys. they do not do anything. it is just me. change that attitude girl. you gotta be brave and change that silly bad attitude because youre not a teen anymore. youre a young adult and have to overcome that. you can do it girl. 

regarding my anxiety, i feel like that in control now. havent have tears streaming down at my cheek in weeks now. i feel a lot more stronger than before. and i dont really into my feeling. i guess being far from home is good sometimes, less drama less fights. less hurting people that i love. i do miss them, a lot. but this is for good. i will come back, and be better than i was and i am now. if God wills. i will. 

and sadly, i still checking up on him sometimes, go through his profile and see how happy he is now makes me feel relief and make the guilty feeling inside me go, not all but at least it does. at times i feeling sucks and still haunting by past mistakes, i keep reminding myself, he is at better place now with better companion. and that makes me feel a bit in ease. will always pray for his happiness. 

i need to get in the right track back, remind myself why am i here. what exactly i want to prove this time. i know this not gonna be easy but i will go through this path no matter how it looks like. this is the beginning. 

at the point of accepting life (a bit)

15 february 2019, i am writing this entry in my room, my escape place as usual. having a bit conflict with my mom. idk. i was striked with her words yesterday and i was a bit upset. oh man, do children also have the rights to feel upset? the question always running through my mind. by the way, more or less in one week i will be leaving this place to further my studies. i am excited and nervous at the same time. still, still a lot in my head. things to buy and do, havent settling everything yet. but ive done the yuran pengajian part thingy. mom told me that abah said i dont have to take pt loan. but if i wont take the study loan, would abah pay for my study fee? havent discuss with him yet about this matter. the anxiety strikes again and i am stress. locked myself in room. and dont want to talk with anyone. this happen again. 

but ive decided to accepting all things that happened in my life. the good and the bad side. i need to really understand that things happens for reason. theres always be reason in every situation. there will always be a good and positive outcome in every choices that have been made. i choose this path from the very beginning. i cant blame anyone for the choices ive made. and i need to remind myself there will also have obstacles in every route that i take. be brave enough to pass the route, there is no turning back. first thing first, what i need to do, pray, pray hard to Him. not to easy the path for me, but to strengthen my imaan, strengthen myself to overcome every hardship in this life. ive to be more positive than i was before. if i could tell everyone around me to stay positive and be patient with all the test, why not me. learn to console myself because i have me. whenever nobody gets me, i have. more focus on self love. hoping that 2019 will be the year of me learning to accept every things that happened. to be more positive and less the bad sides of me.

it will began

finally ive got accepted to further my studies in one of university here. still in business but major in marketing. i dont know how and what to react or feel towards the news actually. i was in car with my bestfriend and on our way to have picnic together we both before she goin back to kl when i received the result. im going. for sure and of course. this is what i want and hoping for after all this while. i hope everything will be alright. theres so much running on my mind. about me continuing my studies. about my parents, my family. and ya, about my anxiety. it still come attacking me sometimes. i am afraid. 

theres so much to do also before i goin there. a lot of things to settle and i think i run out of time. and, another thing i worried about is i still cant get rid of this addiction. i dont know what to do. i cant be alone. but im always home alone. and locked myself in my room. i hope to get away from those bad things. i am moving to a new episode of my life. new surrounding and challenges. i hope i will be okay. hope.