at the point of accepting life (a bit)

15 february 2019, i am writing this entry in my room, my escape place as usual. having a bit conflict with my mom. idk. i was striked with her words yesterday and i was a bit upset. oh man, do children also have the rights to feel upset? the question always running through my mind. by the way, more or less in one week i will be leaving this place to further my studies. i am excited and nervous at the same time. still, still a lot in my head. things to buy and do, havent settling everything yet. but ive done the yuran pengajian part thingy. mom told me that abah said i dont have to take pt loan. but if i wont take the study loan, would abah pay for my study fee? havent discuss with him yet about this matter. the anxiety strikes again and i am stress. locked myself in room. and dont want to talk with anyone. this happen again. 

but ive decided to accepting all things that happened in my life. the good and the bad side. i need to really understand that things happens for reason. theres always be reason in every situation. there will always be a good and positive outcome in every choices that have been made. i choose this path from the very beginning. i cant blame anyone for the choices ive made. and i need to remind myself there will also have obstacles in every route that i take. be brave enough to pass the route, there is no turning back. first thing first, what i need to do, pray, pray hard to Him. not to easy the path for me, but to strengthen my imaan, strengthen myself to overcome every hardship in this life. ive to be more positive than i was before. if i could tell everyone around me to stay positive and be patient with all the test, why not me. learn to console myself because i have me. whenever nobody gets me, i have. more focus on self love. hoping that 2019 will be the year of me learning to accept every things that happened. to be more positive and less the bad sides of me.

it will began

finally ive got accepted to further my studies in one of university here. still in business but major in marketing. i dont know how and what to react or feel towards the news actually. i was in car with my bestfriend and on our way to have picnic together we both before she goin back to kl when i received the result. im going. for sure and of course. this is what i want and hoping for after all this while. i hope everything will be alright. theres so much running on my mind. about me continuing my studies. about my parents, my family. and ya, about my anxiety. it still come attacking me sometimes. i am afraid. 

theres so much to do also before i goin there. a lot of things to settle and i think i run out of time. and, another thing i worried about is i still cant get rid of this addiction. i dont know what to do. i cant be alone. but im always home alone. and locked myself in my room. i hope to get away from those bad things. i am moving to a new episode of my life. new surrounding and challenges. i hope i will be okay. hope.

what after a terrible night?

19th january 2019, i went to my cousin wedding with my whole family. everyone was here, back to kampung for the kenduri. everything was so good at first, me, getting ready for the kenduri, do my make up, my sister came to my room to borrow my make ups, and we all the entire family wearing almost the same colour, blue and violet kind of theme though the wedding theme is grey! we came late to the wedding because as always, abah was so busy (again, always) and then, we arrived there. once i step in the hall, i saw the crowds, of course there were crowds, that was a wedding reception, what do you expect girl? but i tried to calm myself. ok relax girl, just relax yourself, dont make any eye contact with anybody. luckily my family choose a table that very far from the other guests, so guess i am safe then? 

right after the akad, of course there will be makan makan and stuff while the bride and the groom is getting ready to bersanding. suddenly i feel uneasy with the crowds, standing and moving around the hall. talking and so noisy, i feel so suffocated and annoys with my surrounding. i feel like going home. the pressure i got from my family member asking me to get the food while i dont feel like eating yet. and i really feel not comfortable with the situation. i need to distract myself but idk how. i am afraid if people come and approach me and talk to me. i dont want any interaction and not want to have any conversation with people. that was my cousin wedding and for sure there will be a lot of my relatives, my aunts and uncle, cousins and wtv. i feel like crying. until for one point i stand up and  immediately went out from the wedding hall. i dont know where i was heading but at least, far from the crowds. i was so afraid, i start trembling and you know nafas turun naik kind of thing. shit. that was so unforgettable moment in my life so far. i never became like that in public, as far as i remember that shits only happen to me while i was in my room. but that was in public. and at that time i really did not care if people saw me cry or wtv i reach my phone and call my friend (the only one who i can rely on at that time). idk how to tell her but i feel a bit calm knowing that there was a person who i could talk at that moment. after a few minutes, i end my call. stand up and walk away from the front door of the hall and sat at a corner. control my breath back and calm my mind. it took me around 15 minutes because i need to went back to the hall cause i dont want my family to find out or ask me anything. went back to the hall and pretend like that fucked up moment never happened in my life but shit, i clearly remember how terrible it was.