catching up session

in the name of Allah, the most Gracious the most Merciful. here i am back here writing this self-love reflection letter in this blog after so long. well, there is not much differences since the last time i was around here. to give myself a little preview of the last episode, so somewhere in march, we need to rush back to our hometown, clear out our college's room and take the essential stuff with us before we came back for the actual clearance. because of this pandemic things that going around the whole world, i need to undergo my third semester virtually. which is kind of fucked up but i wont say it was totally doomed. there are the pros and cons of it. and alhamdulillah my final result of the third semester came out well, better than the previous one. though it was kind of stressful and intense in different way. God knows what i have been through. the tight feeling for every online class especially for some of my core subjects. it is 1:58am and i am writing this entry in my bedroom. i made some changes in here, a little rearrangement of my closet, bed and my desk. my favorite spot of the bedroom is always the desk area. the study table to be exact. since i have been facing online classes so i really need to make sure the desk is comfort and nice enough for me to sit all day long. well, actually it is not only during the class though. i really be sitting at my study area every single day for almost 24 hours. i even had my breakfast/lunch/dins at my desk. and i rarely watch television because i am more to netflix these day. so yeah, my desk is my life, my laptop is my life. ok i hope it does not sounds so pathetic. i just enjoy myself being indoor instead of facing people. but i am always looking forward to see my close friends and hanging out with them sometime. so, sunday is coming. and my new semester which is semester 4 is just the next monday. lets just be honest, i am actually a little bit nervous about this. i don't know. the subjects it getting tough i guess. the assessment and everything might be. but it is okay. i think i will just gonna believe in myself. that's the best thing to do now. i really wanna write more and tell/keep here what i have been doing for the past few months. though it is not that much but i just wanna keep writing (lies i tell myself every single day). there are some series/tv shows/movies that i watched on netflix that i wanna talk about later. and last month or last two months i am not sure, i bought new books. they are some sort of self improvement type of books i got from bookxcess, online because duh there is no nice bookshops here in my place, but yeah i haven't finish them yet. stuck in my procrastination room. luckily i keep myself update with the journal. it keeps me alive. it is funny how i think that i dont really got time to do things i wanna do, not realizing that i keep saying "i will do it later/tomorrow" but what happens when i cannot get into later or that tomorrow. well nothing really happens, nothing change because my life will end there. it is a stop, not changing. that's the thing i have been struggling with, my procrastination disease. since forever. there's always times that some ideas or thoughts coming into my head randomly which i need to let it out through my words here other than in my journal. but the thing with "later/tomorrow" really get me. anyway, just wanna keep this here, i am writing this while listening to the french aesthetic songs playlist on youtube. i really do not understand a single thing but it feels nice. i'm thinking of re-watching the french movie laboum, which i think the one and only french movie i have ever watch. i love the songs in the movie. that kind of vibe though. so, i might end this entry here. tomorrow is my last day of my semester break which means last day of my freedom. might tied up with all the busy schedule later. till then. 

random of some

that one night where your heart was pounding very fast. so fast. until you'd thought that it might be your last night here. living in this world. facing the difficulties. your last moment that you'd take for granted. for every chances you had. not saying things or leave out the words that you've been holding up to. run away from realities. avoiding the ones who actually care. when the heart is actually gonna stop. you will lost every chances, not just that. you will lost everything. everything you've ever think and dream of.

i just finish going through some slides for tomorrow's class. was about to hit the hay till i suddenly recall what happened to me last few days. another terrible thing. 

uhh things

it has passed a month of restriction movement order and we still have to go through for another two weeks. and i have start my online class for a week already. honestly what i got to say is just, online class is hard. it is more harder than physical class. i mean, i dont mind the fact that i have to go rushing get myself ready, get dressed and everything, go to the class by my motorcycle or when i have to go by grab, just to attend the class. i dont mind those things anymore. but online class. it's just tire me up in certain ways that totally different. well i must i say that there are pros and cons towards those two things. like i dont have to shower up first before entering my morning class. i mean, will just go turning on my laptop as soon as i wake up in the morning.i can eat whenever and whatever i want during the class, i dont have to wear scarf in the class, i dont have to face the familiar faces and i dont have to keep pretending to be friendly and all to people i dont feel to be friendly with. ya. but the thing is, i am scare to look and my phone and checking up the messages, because the lecturers will be posting about the class, the assessments, the dateline, it makes me feel like i'm being watched by somebody, being judged but i cant face the person in real. now that sucks. i really hope this things will end very soon. but i know the online class will be conducted for this whole semester regardless how the health issue in this country would be. but after all, i wont stop praying and hoping for the best. to everyone. to the whole world. things happen for reasons right. lotsa thing would be the reasons behind this pandemic things. it's just depends to us to realize or not. or maybe we did realize but we choose not to. to avoid making the right things. to avoid from continue being judge. and to let the thoughts of what people might say about ourselves keep lingering in mind. for me, myself. i know during this hard times, i should be doing something more useful or memorable or something that i wont regret later. because i have so much time to do it now. i got, we got lot of free time to bond with whoever we're living with, right? stop being so selfish. and making the right action. i know it is hard. because i never taught so. but i should learn from my past. really. never take things for granted. enjoy every second of the moments you have with your loved ones. keep creating the memories. though it is a bad one now at this moment but something that later you will smile when you remember it. i know myself, i am struggling and fighting my own demon real hard when i am staying at home. to control the anger to control the feelings that nobody would understand even if they say they are. but no. to keep motivate. to keep wishing, hoping and trying to do good things towards them. is hard. but not a day, that i do not try. i wish i just try harder everyday. maybe. not a day in my life, i do not want to stop my addiction. towards the thing. every single night before i hit the hay, i wish to stop. but sometimes without i realize, i still doing it. or i could not stop. i have been living with it. there is so much things, so much secrets i want to let it out in here. knowing that no ones will read this. but maybe not now. or maybe i'll just let all the secrets die with me someday. you know somethings are better left unsaid. for the better in people's life. 

when i enter degree life. i promise myself, i wont be like my old self. but as days passing through, i have becoming worse than her in the past. it doesnt just scares me, but it disgust me. a lot. i'm ashamed of myself. of who ive turn to be. i cant see good improvement of me. i just let myself down, every day. still so afraid to face each day coming. thinking. at the beginning of this year, i hope more from me in 2020. but things messed up. i still cant change my view towards certain things, no matter how i try to change the way i look at them. should find myself the answers very soon. till now.