this is tiring

i didnt go out from here for almost more than a week. since kakak went back to sepang. every night i tell myself i must go out tomorrow. but when the morning comes, i cant even get out from my bed. i feel so restless, weak, demotivated, useless, unworthy and all. i keep having those feelings every single day. this semester break, i should be doin something productive, jogging or at least go for a walk. i cannot go out w my friends because i have none. i am fine w that. before this i could just go out all alone, all by myself. but idk why this past few weeks i become so unenergetic. i dont feel like talking w my parents. i just wanna stay in my bedroom. sleep all day. why is this thing happening. to me. i got no one to talk to. every night, every at the end of the day, i really want to talk w somebody. to express this. but i cant. my friends are very busy handling their own life, why would i wanna make them think about unimportant stuff like this? i need a shoulder to cry on too. weh, this is seriously tiring. i couldnt express my feelings to anyone. sesak. there's too much on my mind. too much. 

random thoughts

of being second choice to everyone. the need to speak more louder to get people to hear me, what i was saying or asking. i am tired of all those things. being the last person to be remembered. people only come to me when they need something. when they need a shoulder to cry on. when they need a person to let it out. when they need a person to just listening to their part, their stories. until they are done with that. they leave. and i am struggling all alone again. putting effort to be in someone's good memories. putting effort to keep in touch. putting effort to make people smile. putting effort to fulfill their needs. and then i'm back with all those heavy feelings, all alone. though all of those things, though i am tired of those, i am still willing to help and cheer them up. be there to just listen. cause i love them. actually, what does love really means? love is, making other people happy though you're not? love is, you care for somebody even though they're not? 

too much things running through my head, every single day. my life, my study, my parents and family. my future. and everything. from the smallest thing in world, to the huge one. i cannot stop thinking until i feel the pain sometimes. i want to cry but sometimes i cannot till i need to find reason to. i cared too much about what people say and think about me. i cared too much about whatever i do that might hurt anyone else.i think about how to be better. in every aspect. about how to not let someone else down because of me. about my financial. about my degree life. my circle of friends. my real one? do i have any? do they think the same about me? i keep thinking and get anxious. i get worried. till i cannot sit still. walking around room. here and there. look at through the windows. sit back at the bed. trembling. thinking about how useless, worthless, unimportant and annoyed i can be. thinking about how people around me treat one another. raise up their voices to one another. their sarcasm. how rude they can be. how bad they can go. thinking about the different that might happened if the way they are raised change. i see those things. and think about it. everything is in my head. hold too much secrets. to myself. until i feel tired. not including thinking about how to end this bad habit of mine. as much as if i end myself or, not exist. from day one of my life. thinking about how fake people can be. whats the point of contacting each other. you dont really wanna know about how my life is going. i mean, whats the point if you know how miserable my life is. you probably just clapping your hand there. with all those fake words saying 'ah i miss you too, hope to see you soon' 'i miss to spend time with you' 'long time no see you should come and visit us' so fake. and expecting me to just be there for you guys. look at your annoying face. i have better things to do rather than catching up will people who i dont feel to. i choose my circle. my own circle. but, that is sad. the circle never be created. 

i need help, too. 

time

25 june 2019, i received call from mak, telling me that our lil cousin, amir haikal has passed away. leave all of us after he was struggling in icu ward for almost more than a week. i have expecting this news. i have prepare for it. and when mak told me last two days, i couldnt say anything, i dont know how to react, i calmly put the phone down and continue my day. but last day. yesterday i suddenly think about how i wish, i could see him for the last time. i was not so close to him like my family did, knowing that i am not very a family person. i rarely talk to him whenever we met. and honestly i regret not seeing him during eid. but it is okay. a better place for you now lil boy. a better place for you. you such a good boy and everyone loves you. 

i am now back in uni, waiting to face my final papers. the first one start in second day of july and 10th july. i dont know if i cant wait to end this semester or i cant wait to enter a new one. i hope i am strong enough to face this road.

i made some changes in my bedroom when i was at home during first week of study week. rearrange some stuffs, feeling so fresh and therapeutic. and did some thinking and i guess ive found certain answer to my questions regarding life. about how i see this life turning up and down for me. goin back and forth from feeling happy, sad and then empty. and all kind of feelings mix up. certain answer that i got and i wonder when will i make it right. i try to be so positive. surround my escape place with positive vibes, words and all. things to calm me down. but i forget one important key in life journey. the Almighty. i did pray to him but i didnt pray hard enough. i put all the positive words around my room, in my books, but i didnt look at the words from Him. to soothe my mind and my heart. i ask for help to Him, but i didnt keep faith in Him. when will the time come to make me fully realize that. i always say ill do it later but what if later never come. what if this is the last time i have. what if. 

write. write do makes me feel better. i could express all the mixed feeling in words though not in detail, but words really make me satisfied. that is one of the reason i put words around my place. because if nobody could give me comfort words when i am at my lowest point, i got me. i could give the words. and whenever i could not express it to a person. i express it by writing, to myself. that shows how strong i am to put every situation, every single feelings, every mess in words. the older i have become the more that i see, i really have nobody to talk about feelings, other than my own self. at this age, nobody will ask you how was your day or if are you ok. nobody and i need to accept that.