looking back to see and realizing things

i mention this in every of my social media after the end of week 14, semester 2 is full with tears and lot of unwanted emotion. meeting new people and getting close with people i never expect i will get close to. bringing them into my life in such a very unexpected way and the bonding we had, is something i do not know how to precisely describe. i swear to God, when i first step into degree life there, i promise to myself to not get close with anyone there, to set the boundaries with whoever i be with, housemates or even classmates. i had enough with disappointments and i do not want to be in that phase anymore. i cannot get close with people because i know things will get worse cause i am easily attached to them. i will get sad if i don't get the same treatment from that particular person anymore. i am afraid if i cannot handle the situation. just like what i am facing right now. i am not gonna write about that person, nope. but someday. 

 

what 2019 has taught me so far? to be honest, i do not know what every year has taught me. did i ever learn something throughout every year that has passed. i have no idea. i start my 2019 in some place. far from my hometown. far from familiar faces i have know. be in somewhere where nobody knows me. start my new journey at a place i never thought i will be at. but there i go. and almost finishing two semesters of my degree life there. final exam is just two weeks from now. i am totally not ready for that. for sure. how was my degree life so far? i don't know how to describe it. it is totally way different from diploma. life gets triple times harder here. i got better friends, i must say. the way they support each other in everything we do. i am amaze by that. maybe because of the different surrounding. most of them came from the area, the way they think, is different. from my circle before. in a good way. we got so close like a family and that is what i am afraid of actually. towards the beginning of semester 2, we can see the gap. we can see which one can be considered as what we want them to be consider is. and i start to realize that people not gonna stay the same. forever. nope. but i am glad to be in this opportunity of learning a lot of new things. i hope this journey will become  a lot more great and adventurous for me and my friends there. deep inside, i do not want to end this life as a student. i am surely gonna miss every single little thing i did as a student now. hold back that tears girl, this post is not about the end of me being a student yet. but ya i just remember one thing that 2019 give me to think about. accepting. i need to learn more on that. and there's lot of things to work on regarding that. accepting in many ways. accepting that not all people gonna stay forever in your life. accepting people into your life, because until when you wanna block the open door of your life. accepting advice from others. accepting that you, yourself, make mistakes too and that's okay. accepting that we have so much to improve. and many more of acceptance in this life. including accepting to move on. the only thing that stuck with me since 2017. but ya don't worry dear self, i am working on that, very hard, every day. 

beginning of nov

i was so down these past few days. so many things happening and so many feelings i felt inside me. this is so annoying until i cannot focus doing my works. there are tons of tasks and assignment needed to be done but i got stuck. fuckin shit. i cried to Him during this maghrib. i feel so burden by this feelings but i dont know what to do. i need to express everything inside but i cant. i feel like crying every single day even if i was at public, in the class, walking or even if i was with my friends. i hate those situation i swear to God. too much on mind until i express my anger instead of my sadness. to the wrong person. that is my fault there. i felt so guilty towards the person. all i want is just a good relationship with every person around me. but all i did is hurting everybody. why i always act like that and regret afterward. cant you think wisely before saying something, girl? stupid me. 

but i am so grateful for having good and supportive people around me. indirectly they give me support words and motivation for me to keep going further sometimes they makes me forget all the heavy feelings inside. i try to keep myself busy this semester so that i wont think this too much but i cant ignore it when it comes. those people who are with me together struggling in this path are always there to remind me to not stop and telling me that i can do this. and they are also reminding me that i am not alone, facing this life difficulties even if it looks hard but trusting yourself is important. that is why there is words saying "believe in yourself". it is also one of the hardest thing to do. believe in yourself they say. but when youre in your lowest point at that moment because of yourself, what choice do we have anymore? 

i try my hardest to keep more positive than before in this blog. but i cannot help myself when i hit the keyboard when i was down or in need of expressing something that i cannot let it out through mouth. week 10 is coming and there are a lot of shits need to be done. new theatre performance is coming, end of this month. i will be super busy. i really hope my mental health will be just fine through these challenging weeks. 

end of october quick post

i realized that most of my entries are so sad, depressing and gloomy. i promise myself to start look at the positive side of this life. i promise to live a better life. to make myself feel ease even with all the things going up and down recently. i realized that every time i want to get on the right path, i got lost. and every time i want to get back on the right track again, i got distracted with unimportant silly things. i dont want to be the version of me when i was teen. that sucks. i neglect my studies and focus on the stupid unnecessary things. why dont i keep writing like how i used to when i was in high school. random daily days on what i did, what i love, my achievement, my friends and my surrounding. expose the real me. i have been hiding behind dqueen and mikael for so long. until i forget, who i really am. what i really want to achieve in this life. expose to myself what i am capable to do. i kept saying to prove to people surround me on what i can actually do. but i forget to prove to myself, the things that i used to love, the things that i passionate about. this semester got me distracted. i almost forgot my purpose. my pointer from diploma drop when i enter the first semester at palam. even though it wasnt that bad but still. to me, it is. i forget that i am 22 fucking years old. struggling each day to get the damn scroll aint that easy. get back on track, girl, get back on track. try to balance your life as student, as a human being, as a friend, a daughter, a lil sister. keep doing what youre suppose to do. what you really want to do. dont be such a lazy bitch. and keep complain what am i like this. youre not in teenagers year anymore. youre grown up woman. for the sake of your life, your self, please keep motivate. it is not wrong to have a day full with depressing and sad quotes, listen to sad songs, but please continue live your life to the fullest. youre wasting your time, your precious time by entertaining your anxiety. you can control it. even though the thing is inside you, but you own the body, you can control it girl. 

second last day of october. i have cancel my plan with baby to ipoh. i am so fucked up with all the task and assignment that needed to be submit after mid break. there are a lot things i need to finish and i runs out of time! but ya, i am still making time to make this entry hehe. i am very sorry and feel so guilty towards her. the thing that ive promise her months ago! but suddenly i have to cancel everything. i know i am not a good friend. luckily she is okay with that but i know deep inside she feels upset too. i wish i could just go to her and forget about all the task that needed to be submit. i wish. i miss her so much. it has been almost a year i did not meet her. i hope we could meet later. i hope!