end of october quick post

i realized that most of my entries are so sad, depressing and gloomy. i promise myself to start look at the positive side of this life. i promise to live a better life. to make myself feel ease even with all the things going up and down recently. i realized that every time i want to get on the right path, i got lost. and every time i want to get back on the right track again, i got distracted with unimportant silly things. i dont want to be the version of me when i was teen. that sucks. i neglect my studies and focus on the stupid unnecessary things. why dont i keep writing like how i used to when i was in high school. random daily days on what i did, what i love, my achievement, my friends and my surrounding. expose the real me. i have been hiding behind dqueen and mikael for so long. until i forget, who i really am. what i really want to achieve in this life. expose to myself what i am capable to do. i kept saying to prove to people surround me on what i can actually do. but i forget to prove to myself, the things that i used to love, the things that i passionate about. this semester got me distracted. i almost forgot my purpose. my pointer from diploma drop when i enter the first semester at palam. even though it wasnt that bad but still. to me, it is. i forget that i am 22 fucking years old. struggling each day to get the damn scroll aint that easy. get back on track, girl, get back on track. try to balance your life as student, as a human being, as a friend, a daughter, a lil sister. keep doing what youre suppose to do. what you really want to do. dont be such a lazy bitch. and keep complain what am i like this. youre not in teenagers year anymore. youre grown up woman. for the sake of your life, your self, please keep motivate. it is not wrong to have a day full with depressing and sad quotes, listen to sad songs, but please continue live your life to the fullest. youre wasting your time, your precious time by entertaining your anxiety. you can control it. even though the thing is inside you, but you own the body, you can control it girl. 

second last day of october. i have cancel my plan with baby to ipoh. i am so fucked up with all the task and assignment that needed to be submit after mid break. there are a lot things i need to finish and i runs out of time! but ya, i am still making time to make this entry hehe. i am very sorry and feel so guilty towards her. the thing that ive promise her months ago! but suddenly i have to cancel everything. i know i am not a good friend. luckily she is okay with that but i know deep inside she feels upset too. i wish i could just go to her and forget about all the task that needed to be submit. i wish. i miss her so much. it has been almost a year i did not meet her. i hope we could meet later. i hope! 

lets turn it up

few days to november. i am currently in midterm break. away from all the hectic situation. just for a while. i dont know why this semester seems like stressing me out. it is just second semester but i feel so out of control. i choose to keep busy this semester. i choose this way. i got distract by lots of things tbh. i should not let myself controlled by that. i know. letting a person into my life and getting close to them can distract my purpose there. i need to set the boundaries. dont let it down. i got a week to recharge myself. to see this again, in a different view. i missed a lot of time, a lot of things. i keep procrastinate when doing something especially the things that i like. or enjoy doing. how to keep consistent in doing something? God, i am still looking for that answer. 

last month i joined something that i've been wanting to be a part of it. i joined a theatre team. take part into one competition. and unbelieveable we won first place. it was a very great experiences and wonderful memories. i have been wanting to join in theatre since i was in school and finally now, i got in, when i am in degree life. it is funny though, when i think about it. back then when i was applying for university after school i really wanted to further in theatre studies. but of course i cannot pursue in that course because i think about my family, they absolutely wont let me take the course if i got in. but thanks to Him, i got the chance to gain this experience. my passion towards this stuff is growing and i hope i would do it for real, i would do it to the fullest of my heart. inshaallah.

won't just stop here

was in my brother's car with him, my nephew and my mom. brother driving all the way from putrajaya to puncak alam. sending me off to college. after two days being at his home over the weekend. i dont know why i make decision to stay at his place. knowing that i will keep feeling uncomfortable and will definitely feel the pain, again. but ya, still going there. spending time with mom while shes still here in putrajaya. before she is going back to perlis. i dont like being around with my family especially when the stress and the tension is come. i will go mad and behave like a bitch. back to the first sentence of this entry, while i was in my brother's car all the way back to college. the heavy feelings come in and knock me down, hit me hard. it was raining at that time. i was struggling having a battle with my self. i could not help myself but the feeling to drop my tears at the moment is real. brother was beside me and obviously i can't let it drop. i cannot. trying so hard to hide it. but i managed to do it. when the water from the clouds up there fall down and hitting the car heavily, i feel sick, my heart pounding, fast, i reminiscing all the situation, the things happen back then, few days, weeks, months or even a year ego, that is sick! 

every fucking time i am typing message to send it over to some of friends, wanted to tell them how this feelings and thinkings keep distracting my life, my self, i delete it. i changed my mind. what is the point if i let them know. no. they can't know. they dont have to know that i am still struggling every single day to stop these thinkings. my heart feel so heavy. everything i did feels so wrong. every decision i make doesnt turn out good. every person i cared about, dont even give a damn about me. how selfish i am. and right now, sitting in my new room in college, writing this crap again and again. put the depressing words into this virtual world. keep this here. keep the struggle i face every single day. here.