dear self

22 November 2020, i am writing this in my cozy bedroom, sitting at my desk facing the windows, it is 12:38pm right at this moment. the weather is asking me to be in my blanket and dreaming of the dreamy dream. i went bad again a couple of days before, and last night. it was bad. at this point of my life right now, i am not even sure of myself, whether i can stop myself from doing those bad things for ever. every time after i did that, and i realize how worst was my action at the time, i was hoping that it was the last time, wont ever do it again. but then i'll find myself staring at the ceiling, after all the terrible things i did finish, and it was too late. i've done the worst among the worst. though every single day i wish and i pray to stop doing those things, i failed. it is not something that i can simple share to people and that makes me feeling so bad about myself even more. i am still searching for the cure and i pray to not lose hope. i will not.

to my dear self in future, if you still here and reading this years later from now, i really hope you already find your true self, without depending on the silly actions you do every night. i hope you appreciate yourself a lot compare to what you're doing right now. know your worth dear self, this bring nothing but miserable life to you. whenever and wherever you are at this life, do not lose hope. do not stop trying to stop. we got each others back, i am fighting so hard right now so you would appreciate our efforts in future. so that you can be a lot more stronger than you are now, i am fighting, i am. even though throughout this fights, i may be hurt, bleed and get ourselves scar, i will not stop. we going to win this battle dear self. i love you.

stuck and suck

wishing, hoping and praying that i will stop procrastinate in doing my tasks, there are few entry that have been hold because i got stuck to continue writing. stuck and suck. it is 1.22am, and i got class at 8.30am tomorrow morning. so miserable. there are a lot of pending task that i keep avoiding it. the reason why i keep delaying my works, because i dont like the feeling while i am doing it. the little anxious and i will overthink for no reasons. god, i hate myself? 

catching up session

in the name of Allah, the most Gracious the most Merciful. here i am back here writing this self-love reflection letter in this blog after so long. well, there is not much differences since the last time i was around here. to give myself a little preview of the last episode, so somewhere in march, we need to rush back to our hometown, clear out our college's room and take the essential stuff with us before we came back for the actual clearance. because of this pandemic things that going around the whole world, i need to undergo my third semester virtually. which is kind of fucked up but i wont say it was totally doomed. there are the pros and cons of it. and alhamdulillah my final result of the third semester came out well, better than the previous one. though it was kind of stressful and intense in different way. God knows what i have been through. the tight feeling for every online class especially for some of my core subjects. it is 1:58am and i am writing this entry in my bedroom. i made some changes in here, a little rearrangement of my closet, bed and my desk. my favorite spot of the bedroom is always the desk area. the study table to be exact. since i have been facing online classes so i really need to make sure the desk is comfort and nice enough for me to sit all day long. well, actually it is not only during the class though. i really be sitting at my study area every single day for almost 24 hours. i even had my breakfast/lunch/dins at my desk. and i rarely watch television because i am more to netflix these day. so yeah, my desk is my life, my laptop is my life. ok i hope it does not sounds so pathetic. i just enjoy myself being indoor instead of facing people. but i am always looking forward to see my close friends and hanging out with them sometime. so, sunday is coming. and my new semester which is semester 4 is just the next monday. lets just be honest, i am actually a little bit nervous about this. i don't know. the subjects it getting tough i guess. the assessment and everything might be. but it is okay. i think i will just gonna believe in myself. that's the best thing to do now. i really wanna write more and tell/keep here what i have been doing for the past few months. though it is not that much but i just wanna keep writing (lies i tell myself every single day). there are some series/tv shows/movies that i watched on netflix that i wanna talk about later. and last month or last two months i am not sure, i bought new books. they are some sort of self improvement type of books i got from bookxcess, online because duh there is no nice bookshops here in my place, but yeah i haven't finish them yet. stuck in my procrastination room. luckily i keep myself update with the journal. it keeps me alive. it is funny how i think that i dont really got time to do things i wanna do, not realizing that i keep saying "i will do it later/tomorrow" but what happens when i cannot get into later or that tomorrow. well nothing really happens, nothing change because my life will end there. it is a stop, not changing. that's the thing i have been struggling with, my procrastination disease. since forever. there's always times that some ideas or thoughts coming into my head randomly which i need to let it out through my words here other than in my journal. but the thing with "later/tomorrow" really get me. anyway, just wanna keep this here, i am writing this while listening to the french aesthetic songs playlist on youtube. i really do not understand a single thing but it feels nice. i'm thinking of re-watching the french movie laboum, which i think the one and only french movie i have ever watch. i love the songs in the movie. that kind of vibe though. so, i might end this entry here. tomorrow is my last day of my semester break which means last day of my freedom. might tied up with all the busy schedule later. till then. 

random of some

that one night where your heart was pounding very fast. so fast. until you'd thought that it might be your last night here. living in this world. facing the difficulties. your last moment that you'd take for granted. for every chances you had. not saying things or leave out the words that you've been holding up to. run away from realities. avoiding the ones who actually care. when the heart is actually gonna stop. you will lost every chances, not just that. you will lost everything. everything you've ever think and dream of.

i just finish going through some slides for tomorrow's class. was about to hit the hay till i suddenly recall what happened to me last few days. another terrible thing. 

uhh things

it has passed a month of restriction movement order and we still have to go through for another two weeks. and i have start my online class for a week already. honestly what i got to say is just, online class is hard. it is more harder than physical class. i mean, i dont mind the fact that i have to go rushing get myself ready, get dressed and everything, go to the class by my motorcycle or when i have to go by grab, just to attend the class. i dont mind those things anymore. but online class. it's just tire me up in certain ways that totally different. well i must i say that there are pros and cons towards those two things. like i dont have to shower up first before entering my morning class. i mean, will just go turning on my laptop as soon as i wake up in the morning.i can eat whenever and whatever i want during the class, i dont have to wear scarf in the class, i dont have to face the familiar faces and i dont have to keep pretending to be friendly and all to people i dont feel to be friendly with. ya. but the thing is, i am scare to look and my phone and checking up the messages, because the lecturers will be posting about the class, the assessments, the dateline, it makes me feel like i'm being watched by somebody, being judged but i cant face the person in real. now that sucks. i really hope this things will end very soon. but i know the online class will be conducted for this whole semester regardless how the health issue in this country would be. but after all, i wont stop praying and hoping for the best. to everyone. to the whole world. things happen for reasons right. lotsa thing would be the reasons behind this pandemic things. it's just depends to us to realize or not. or maybe we did realize but we choose not to. to avoid making the right things. to avoid from continue being judge. and to let the thoughts of what people might say about ourselves keep lingering in mind. for me, myself. i know during this hard times, i should be doing something more useful or memorable or something that i wont regret later. because i have so much time to do it now. i got, we got lot of free time to bond with whoever we're living with, right? stop being so selfish. and making the right action. i know it is hard. because i never taught so. but i should learn from my past. really. never take things for granted. enjoy every second of the moments you have with your loved ones. keep creating the memories. though it is a bad one now at this moment but something that later you will smile when you remember it. i know myself, i am struggling and fighting my own demon real hard when i am staying at home. to control the anger to control the feelings that nobody would understand even if they say they are. but no. to keep motivate. to keep wishing, hoping and trying to do good things towards them. is hard. but not a day, that i do not try. i wish i just try harder everyday. maybe. not a day in my life, i do not want to stop my addiction. towards the thing. every single night before i hit the hay, i wish to stop. but sometimes without i realize, i still doing it. or i could not stop. i have been living with it. there is so much things, so much secrets i want to let it out in here. knowing that no ones will read this. but maybe not now. or maybe i'll just let all the secrets die with me someday. you know somethings are better left unsaid. for the better in people's life. 

when i enter degree life. i promise myself, i wont be like my old self. but as days passing through, i have becoming worse than her in the past. it doesnt just scares me, but it disgust me. a lot. i'm ashamed of myself. of who ive turn to be. i cant see good improvement of me. i just let myself down, every day. still so afraid to face each day coming. thinking. at the beginning of this year, i hope more from me in 2020. but things messed up. i still cant change my view towards certain things, no matter how i try to change the way i look at them. should find myself the answers very soon. till now. 

great entrance of the year

2020, gives a lot of surprises. really. at this point, i don't have any idea what my life is going to be at the end of this year. or next year. or even right now? the coming of 2020 actually scares me. i feel like this year pressuring me silently. this year, it expecting something big from me. but who have ever thought that i actually, the one who expect a lot from whatever coming in 2020. cut it short. right at this moment. 8th april, i am in my bedroom in my hometown. typing in this blog post column after months. while i suppose to be at my college, doing my assignments, cry over the unfinished tasks, stress over my life in palam, but no. i am in my bedroom. in perlis. sigh. the country is having real big health, economic issue right now. almost all the country in this world are facing with pandemic issue. the virus is getting huge and serious. attacking people's lives and lead to so many death cases. even in this country. my university students were ordered to empty the college buildings as soon as possible on the 17th march. and i was rushing back from uni. luckily i got a friend who was driving back to perlis also and he gave me a lift. a friend from the theater club. so i arrived home when the clock almost ticking to 1 am. and since then, i just stay at home doing things like usual things i did when i was during semester break. the different part is just i cannot go out meeting my friend here. i cannot say i'm bored staying at home knowing that all the front liners are struggling real hard to stop the virus from keep spreading. so as a normal citizen, i am doing my part just by staying at home. so i can't say my job is hard compare to them, right? the restriction movement order was ordered until this 14th april. but idk, it feels like the government will extend the date of the rmo, looking back at the situation right now.

i can still remember when the media announce regarding the issue when it's happening in China. i was with my college friends talking about this issue and we were saying like wow look at them, look at the country, it looks like a zombie country. no people seen walking around the streets. the virus are spreading like damn crazy. nothing is fun living in paranoid. though you didn't get infected, but each day coming, you dont feel safe. you cant feel safe till it's gone. until the virus is totally gone. it's only me in this house, with both of my parents. my siblings still there in selangor and south area. they cant get here. and i am glad knowing that they're working from home now. i was so worried when mom told me that week ago, my second brother was still went to his office. i mean ya i know they're all big guy now and of course wiser than me, but me just being me. i am afraid if something or anything bad happen to my family members. i love them. so much. i cant imagine my life without any of them. though i look like i dont care much about them. but no. though i am the useless one in this family. 

anyway, i am missing my friends so much. my college friends. my friends here in perlis. though some of my close friends are back in here, we cannot meet each other. i miss us so much. though they didnt. but i still do. though i'm good at shut them out. pushing people away. ignoring them. but, nothing can be measured my love towards each of them. 

as per record, i am in the third semester of my degree. and i really dont know whats gonna happen to my grade this sem. looking at the current situation that we're having. i can't tell if i will pass this semester with good pointers or not. i really hope the pandemic situation wont be the reason of my studies performance. and i really hope this will end soon. like real soon. cant imagine this ramadhan without my friends, and there would be no bazaar, no tarawih. things are just going to be so different. hoping and praying for the goods. if He wills, it wills be. 

most of my time

that feelings comes stroking me

most of the times at night

but someday when i was left all alone 

in my bedroom

i spend most of my time in my life 

sitting at my study table 

write, write, tryna find some inspiration 

tryna find something 

that represent myself 

till i got lost 

again and again 

i spend most of my time in my life 

laying down in my bedroom

looking through the windows 

looking through the white ceiling 

up there 

looking through the skies and clouds 

that was beautifully created by Him 

outside 

outside from my ability to catch it

i spend most of time in my life 

wondering, wondering if i could change 

the way i live my life, earlier 

if i got the chance to do so 

wondering where it went wrong 

wondering how could i make it right 

wondering if i have the guts to ask 

to ask why 

to ask how 

wondering why i grew up with that fear 

that makes me turn up like this 

wondering why i do not create the chance myself 

and then i realize, i was too young and dumb 

i was following my emotions rather than thinking

in a rational way

i was too afraid of my surrounding 

i was all alone 

i was a someone who spend most of my time all alone 

informal greets of new decade

to stay being in the positive condition is not easy, to be honest. i lost to myself. every time i thought i was doing good and better. to fight the little demon inside this body is tough. but i know i am not alone. going through this path, i am not alone. i try very hard to fight this procrastination thing. i have almost finish my new entry regarding new year but it got stuck and i just leave it in the draft section for so long till i do not feel to finish it anymore. this semester break is just same like every semester before. since my diploma's semester break. i am okay tho. this friday i will be at my brother's place and as usual he will send me off to the college. starting new semester. i will be in semester 3 real soon. like hello, i really cannot believe that i just passed 1 year of my degree life and i am gonna continue with the second year. it feels like it is just yesterday i got the offer to palam. but hey, it is ok. you're doing good there, right girl? i know life there might trips up a bit but look who got dean list for the second semester. i can't thank enough for that matter, even though i thought i did bad for the language paper. but luckily still got the title. to give more updates on what i am gonna do for the next semester, will still involved in the theater performances (maybe). since i already in the club. let's see how it goes later. i hope less mental breakdowns behind that closed door and less tears please.

looking back to see and realizing things

i mention this in every of my social media after the end of week 14, semester 2 is full with tears and lot of unwanted emotion. meeting new people and getting close with people i never expect i will get close to. bringing them into my life in such a very unexpected way and the bonding we had, is something i do not know how to precisely describe. i swear to God, when i first step into degree life there, i promise to myself to not get close with anyone there, to set the boundaries with whoever i be with, housemates or even classmates. i had enough with disappointments and i do not want to be in that phase anymore. i cannot get close with people because i know things will get worse cause i am easily attached to them. i will get sad if i don't get the same treatment from that particular person anymore. i am afraid if i cannot handle the situation. just like what i am facing right now. i am not gonna write about that person, nope. but someday. 

 

what 2019 has taught me so far? to be honest, i do not know what every year has taught me. did i ever learn something throughout every year that has passed. i have no idea. i start my 2019 in some place. far from my hometown. far from familiar faces i have know. be in somewhere where nobody knows me. start my new journey at a place i never thought i will be at. but there i go. and almost finishing two semesters of my degree life there. final exam is just two weeks from now. i am totally not ready for that. for sure. how was my degree life so far? i don't know how to describe it. it is totally way different from diploma. life gets triple times harder here. i got better friends, i must say. the way they support each other in everything we do. i am amaze by that. maybe because of the different surrounding. most of them came from the area, the way they think, is different. from my circle before. in a good way. we got so close like a family and that is what i am afraid of actually. towards the beginning of semester 2, we can see the gap. we can see which one can be considered as what we want them to be consider is. and i start to realize that people not gonna stay the same. forever. nope. but i am glad to be in this opportunity of learning a lot of new things. i hope this journey will become  a lot more great and adventurous for me and my friends there. deep inside, i do not want to end this life as a student. i am surely gonna miss every single little thing i did as a student now. hold back that tears girl, this post is not about the end of me being a student yet. but ya i just remember one thing that 2019 give me to think about. accepting. i need to learn more on that. and there's lot of things to work on regarding that. accepting in many ways. accepting that not all people gonna stay forever in your life. accepting people into your life, because until when you wanna block the open door of your life. accepting advice from others. accepting that you, yourself, make mistakes too and that's okay. accepting that we have so much to improve. and many more of acceptance in this life. including accepting to move on. the only thing that stuck with me since 2017. but ya don't worry dear self, i am working on that, very hard, every day. 

beginning of nov

i was so down these past few days. so many things happening and so many feelings i felt inside me. this is so annoying until i cannot focus doing my works. there are tons of tasks and assignment needed to be done but i got stuck. fuckin shit. i cried to Him during this maghrib. i feel so burden by this feelings but i dont know what to do. i need to express everything inside but i cant. i feel like crying every single day even if i was at public, in the class, walking or even if i was with my friends. i hate those situation i swear to God. too much on mind until i express my anger instead of my sadness. to the wrong person. that is my fault there. i felt so guilty towards the person. all i want is just a good relationship with every person around me. but all i did is hurting everybody. why i always act like that and regret afterward. cant you think wisely before saying something, girl? stupid me. 

but i am so grateful for having good and supportive people around me. indirectly they give me support words and motivation for me to keep going further sometimes they makes me forget all the heavy feelings inside. i try to keep myself busy this semester so that i wont think this too much but i cant ignore it when it comes. those people who are with me together struggling in this path are always there to remind me to not stop and telling me that i can do this. and they are also reminding me that i am not alone, facing this life difficulties even if it looks hard but trusting yourself is important. that is why there is words saying "believe in yourself". it is also one of the hardest thing to do. believe in yourself they say. but when youre in your lowest point at that moment because of yourself, what choice do we have anymore? 

i try my hardest to keep more positive than before in this blog. but i cannot help myself when i hit the keyboard when i was down or in need of expressing something that i cannot let it out through mouth. week 10 is coming and there are a lot of shits need to be done. new theatre performance is coming, end of this month. i will be super busy. i really hope my mental health will be just fine through these challenging weeks. 

end of october quick post

i realized that most of my entries are so sad, depressing and gloomy. i promise myself to start look at the positive side of this life. i promise to live a better life. to make myself feel ease even with all the things going up and down recently. i realized that every time i want to get on the right path, i got lost. and every time i want to get back on the right track again, i got distracted with unimportant silly things. i dont want to be the version of me when i was teen. that sucks. i neglect my studies and focus on the stupid unnecessary things. why dont i keep writing like how i used to when i was in high school. random daily days on what i did, what i love, my achievement, my friends and my surrounding. expose the real me. i have been hiding behind dqueen and mikael for so long. until i forget, who i really am. what i really want to achieve in this life. expose to myself what i am capable to do. i kept saying to prove to people surround me on what i can actually do. but i forget to prove to myself, the things that i used to love, the things that i passionate about. this semester got me distracted. i almost forgot my purpose. my pointer from diploma drop when i enter the first semester at palam. even though it wasnt that bad but still. to me, it is. i forget that i am 22 fucking years old. struggling each day to get the damn scroll aint that easy. get back on track, girl, get back on track. try to balance your life as student, as a human being, as a friend, a daughter, a lil sister. keep doing what youre suppose to do. what you really want to do. dont be such a lazy bitch. and keep complain what am i like this. youre not in teenagers year anymore. youre grown up woman. for the sake of your life, your self, please keep motivate. it is not wrong to have a day full with depressing and sad quotes, listen to sad songs, but please continue live your life to the fullest. youre wasting your time, your precious time by entertaining your anxiety. you can control it. even though the thing is inside you, but you own the body, you can control it girl. 

second last day of october. i have cancel my plan with baby to ipoh. i am so fucked up with all the task and assignment that needed to be submit after mid break. there are a lot things i need to finish and i runs out of time! but ya, i am still making time to make this entry hehe. i am very sorry and feel so guilty towards her. the thing that ive promise her months ago! but suddenly i have to cancel everything. i know i am not a good friend. luckily she is okay with that but i know deep inside she feels upset too. i wish i could just go to her and forget about all the task that needed to be submit. i wish. i miss her so much. it has been almost a year i did not meet her. i hope we could meet later. i hope! 

lets turn it up

few days to november. i am currently in midterm break. away from all the hectic situation. just for a while. i dont know why this semester seems like stressing me out. it is just second semester but i feel so out of control. i choose to keep busy this semester. i choose this way. i got distract by lots of things tbh. i should not let myself controlled by that. i know. letting a person into my life and getting close to them can distract my purpose there. i need to set the boundaries. dont let it down. i got a week to recharge myself. to see this again, in a different view. i missed a lot of time, a lot of things. i keep procrastinate when doing something especially the things that i like. or enjoy doing. how to keep consistent in doing something? God, i am still looking for that answer. 

last month i joined something that i've been wanting to be a part of it. i joined a theatre team. take part into one competition. and unbelieveable we won first place. it was a very great experiences and wonderful memories. i have been wanting to join in theatre since i was in school and finally now, i got in, when i am in degree life. it is funny though, when i think about it. back then when i was applying for university after school i really wanted to further in theatre studies. but of course i cannot pursue in that course because i think about my family, they absolutely wont let me take the course if i got in. but thanks to Him, i got the chance to gain this experience. my passion towards this stuff is growing and i hope i would do it for real, i would do it to the fullest of my heart. inshaallah.

won't just stop here

was in my brother's car with him, my nephew and my mom. brother driving all the way from putrajaya to puncak alam. sending me off to college. after two days being at his home over the weekend. i dont know why i make decision to stay at his place. knowing that i will keep feeling uncomfortable and will definitely feel the pain, again. but ya, still going there. spending time with mom while shes still here in putrajaya. before she is going back to perlis. i dont like being around with my family especially when the stress and the tension is come. i will go mad and behave like a bitch. back to the first sentence of this entry, while i was in my brother's car all the way back to college. the heavy feelings come in and knock me down, hit me hard. it was raining at that time. i was struggling having a battle with my self. i could not help myself but the feeling to drop my tears at the moment is real. brother was beside me and obviously i can't let it drop. i cannot. trying so hard to hide it. but i managed to do it. when the water from the clouds up there fall down and hitting the car heavily, i feel sick, my heart pounding, fast, i reminiscing all the situation, the things happen back then, few days, weeks, months or even a year ego, that is sick! 

every fucking time i am typing message to send it over to some of friends, wanted to tell them how this feelings and thinkings keep distracting my life, my self, i delete it. i changed my mind. what is the point if i let them know. no. they can't know. they dont have to know that i am still struggling every single day to stop these thinkings. my heart feel so heavy. everything i did feels so wrong. every decision i make doesnt turn out good. every person i cared about, dont even give a damn about me. how selfish i am. and right now, sitting in my new room in college, writing this crap again and again. put the depressing words into this virtual world. keep this here. keep the struggle i face every single day. here. 

this is tiring

i didnt go out from here for almost more than a week. since kakak went back to sepang. every night i tell myself i must go out tomorrow. but when the morning comes, i cant even get out from my bed. i feel so restless, weak, demotivated, useless, unworthy and all. i keep having those feelings every single day. this semester break, i should be doin something productive, jogging or at least go for a walk. i cannot go out w my friends because i have none. i am fine w that. before this i could just go out all alone, all by myself. but idk why this past few weeks i become so unenergetic. i dont feel like talking w my parents. i just wanna stay in my bedroom. sleep all day. why is this thing happening. to me. i got no one to talk to. every night, every at the end of the day, i really want to talk w somebody. to express this. but i cant. my friends are very busy handling their own life, why would i wanna make them think about unimportant stuff like this? i need a shoulder to cry on too. weh, this is seriously tiring. i couldnt express my feelings to anyone. sesak. there's too much on my mind. too much. 

random thoughts

of being second choice to everyone. the need to speak more louder to get people to hear me, what i was saying or asking. i am tired of all those things. being the last person to be remembered. people only come to me when they need something. when they need a shoulder to cry on. when they need a person to let it out. when they need a person to just listening to their part, their stories. until they are done with that. they leave. and i am struggling all alone again. putting effort to be in someone's good memories. putting effort to keep in touch. putting effort to make people smile. putting effort to fulfill their needs. and then i'm back with all those heavy feelings, all alone. though all of those things, though i am tired of those, i am still willing to help and cheer them up. be there to just listen. cause i love them. actually, what does love really means? love is, making other people happy though you're not? love is, you care for somebody even though they're not? 

too much things running through my head, every single day. my life, my study, my parents and family. my future. and everything. from the smallest thing in world, to the huge one. i cannot stop thinking until i feel the pain sometimes. i want to cry but sometimes i cannot till i need to find reason to. i cared too much about what people say and think about me. i cared too much about whatever i do that might hurt anyone else.i think about how to be better. in every aspect. about how to not let someone else down because of me. about my financial. about my degree life. my circle of friends. my real one? do i have any? do they think the same about me? i keep thinking and get anxious. i get worried. till i cannot sit still. walking around room. here and there. look at through the windows. sit back at the bed. trembling. thinking about how useless, worthless, unimportant and annoyed i can be. thinking about how people around me treat one another. raise up their voices to one another. their sarcasm. how rude they can be. how bad they can go. thinking about the different that might happened if the way they are raised change. i see those things. and think about it. everything is in my head. hold too much secrets. to myself. until i feel tired. not including thinking about how to end this bad habit of mine. as much as if i end myself or, not exist. from day one of my life. thinking about how fake people can be. whats the point of contacting each other. you dont really wanna know about how my life is going. i mean, whats the point if you know how miserable my life is. you probably just clapping your hand there. with all those fake words saying 'ah i miss you too, hope to see you soon' 'i miss to spend time with you' 'long time no see you should come and visit us' so fake. and expecting me to just be there for you guys. look at your annoying face. i have better things to do rather than catching up will people who i dont feel to. i choose my circle. my own circle. but, that is sad. the circle never be created. 

i need help, too. 

time

25 june 2019, i received call from mak, telling me that our lil cousin, amir haikal has passed away. leave all of us after he was struggling in icu ward for almost more than a week. i have expecting this news. i have prepare for it. and when mak told me last two days, i couldnt say anything, i dont know how to react, i calmly put the phone down and continue my day. but last day. yesterday i suddenly think about how i wish, i could see him for the last time. i was not so close to him like my family did, knowing that i am not very a family person. i rarely talk to him whenever we met. and honestly i regret not seeing him during eid. but it is okay. a better place for you now lil boy. a better place for you. you such a good boy and everyone loves you. 

i am now back in uni, waiting to face my final papers. the first one start in second day of july and 10th july. i dont know if i cant wait to end this semester or i cant wait to enter a new one. i hope i am strong enough to face this road.

i made some changes in my bedroom when i was at home during first week of study week. rearrange some stuffs, feeling so fresh and therapeutic. and did some thinking and i guess ive found certain answer to my questions regarding life. about how i see this life turning up and down for me. goin back and forth from feeling happy, sad and then empty. and all kind of feelings mix up. certain answer that i got and i wonder when will i make it right. i try to be so positive. surround my escape place with positive vibes, words and all. things to calm me down. but i forget one important key in life journey. the Almighty. i did pray to him but i didnt pray hard enough. i put all the positive words around my room, in my books, but i didnt look at the words from Him. to soothe my mind and my heart. i ask for help to Him, but i didnt keep faith in Him. when will the time come to make me fully realize that. i always say ill do it later but what if later never come. what if this is the last time i have. what if. 

write. write do makes me feel better. i could express all the mixed feeling in words though not in detail, but words really make me satisfied. that is one of the reason i put words around my place. because if nobody could give me comfort words when i am at my lowest point, i got me. i could give the words. and whenever i could not express it to a person. i express it by writing, to myself. that shows how strong i am to put every situation, every single feelings, every mess in words. the older i have become the more that i see, i really have nobody to talk about feelings, other than my own self. at this age, nobody will ask you how was your day or if are you ok. nobody and i need to accept that. 

enough about them, now it is on you

if people could not make time for me, i will make time for my own self. i will treat myself, i will buy myself something nice, eat something good, have a tasty drink. i will. i am tired to please on people who doesnt do the same thing. i try to keep in touch with certain people but at the end it will let me down. i have decide to stop putting more effort than i suppose to. stop showing interest to anyone and i wont, at all. i will focus more on myself. now, this is just about me, myself and i. who wants to stay, who wants to be at my side, yes please, but if you wanna leave, go ahead, i dont mind. i am completely ok. that's true. friends can break your heart too. i wont depend too much on other people including my family. so girl, this is a reminder for ya, stand on your own feet. be brave, and kind. dont forget that. brave enough to handle all the obstacles in life, and be kind enough when treating other people. dont show hate but spreading positiveness. dont think too much about people and enough making friend! treat them the same. equally. dont get too close to anyone. be neutral to avoid heartbreak. focus on your damn self. self love is not just loving yourself. eat good. take enough rest. do anything that make yourself better and better each day. keep on doin the positive things and dont let negativity affect your life. exercise. read. draw. write. taking photos. do anything that you love to do. ignore the bad vibe. love you. love your body. love your imperfections. love your scars. you have you, girl. you have you. 

every year

why do i have to face this every fucking year on the first day of eid. i hate my life. other people really cannot say just appreciate hari raya and celebrate it well with family and friends. no. i suffer every year since i was a kid on this kind of day. i am suffering. tears on hari raya every year is tiring. feeling depressed and not worthy on hari raya is tiring. feeling useless and know that it will happen again next year is tiring. i try hard to stay positive on hari raya. every year i try to be better but i was wrong. i can’t be better. i can’t be kind. i can’t hoping that raya would be so colourful and full of happiness. raya is stressful, tiring, depressing, load of hard work, angry. raya is stressing me out. i am 22 years old this year and i still cannot change my perception towards raya. let’s see how it goes. 22 years celebrating this day and i cannot find where is the happiness. i try to show how okay i am in front of my friends in fact i’m broken as hell, i’m hurting and feeling numb. i dont wish i can change my thoughts about raya. it’s all fake. what’s with new clothes, good food and etc if all those doesn’t bring happiness. i dont like this day. i want to get out from here

i lost to myself, again

again, i cannot keep my promise to myself. i hate this. i keep repeating doin the same thing. the same mistake. the same bad things all over again. this is so bad. i am in holy month right now. ramadhan kareem. few days away to eid and i am currently at home. just got back from uni yesterday. what a journey to be here. a day full of waiting. i keep postpone from writing. for real, i have a lot to write and to tell here. a lot. 

i wont deny. here is so hot. the weather is extremely hot. i need to find another spot to write and which is my brother's room. not much better but better than mine. need to settle down few things while am here. well, most likely regarding my previous educational loan. i have become active repayer and i need to postpone this and that. few things. am a bit scare. a bit anxious. but girl sokay, you gotta settle this one by one. relax. (though i cannot) 

talking about my bad habits. i thought i could handle that, apparently am not! bitch you weak. i still doing that. how toooo stop please:( am tired. get close to Him. i know. but i didnt do it. what kind of demon is inside me God help. i am currently have nobody to talk to about myself. all my friends are busy with their life. and i should not bother them. they have rights to live their life and not to think about my silly ass. i cant tell this to my family. obviously i cant. i cannot tell this to my friends at uni. we just got to know each other. there are still boudaries and in fact they wont believe me. i dont have anyone. i just have myself and sometimes that is tiring to only have yourself at the end of the day. i need somebody to pat on my back sometimes not just my own hands. i need somebody to hug me and listen to all my nonsense not just the other side of me. not just me and my demons. i need somebody to really know that i am struggling, to check on me, to ask me how am i handle my anxiety today. how am i face my stress and stuff today. but knowing me, i keep pushing people away. how can i have one... this is why i dont really favor being at home. being alone at home makes things worst. makes me become worst. i cant be alone please. anybody please listen to me, i cant be alone or it will come to me again. 

it is a brand new life?

i am currently writing this blog at my new place. it has been almost 4 weeks i am here in Puncak Alam. continuing what i have been wanting for. to achieve what i have been dreaming of. i really hope this is not a wrong decision to be made. because knowing me, the one who always making wrong decision in life. i have meet few people here. and still in knowing process. this is too early to claim anyone as people who will get through everything with me. this is too early. but i am glad and cant thankful enough that God place me in the same house with bunch of good people that i can fit in. but i hate myself for longing to be alone. well most probably because i used to be alone at home. so i feel like a bit uncomfortable when surrounded by a lot of people. everywhere in group makes me suffocating. but that does not meant i hate them. just like my classmates, i like them. they are fun to be with but knowing me, i need some space and some times to adapt in every changes and to accept people in my life. and right now, still struggling with be around guys. i dont like when i always wanna get mad and easily annoyed with guys. they do not do anything. it is just me. change that attitude girl. you gotta be brave and change that silly bad attitude because youre not a teen anymore. youre a young adult and have to overcome that. you can do it girl. 

regarding my anxiety, i feel like that in control now. havent have tears streaming down at my cheek in weeks now. i feel a lot more stronger than before. and i dont really into my feeling. i guess being far from home is good sometimes, less drama less fights. less hurting people that i love. i do miss them, a lot. but this is for good. i will come back, and be better than i was and i am now. if God wills. i will. 

and sadly, i still checking up on him sometimes, go through his profile and see how happy he is now makes me feel relief and make the guilty feeling inside me go, not all but at least it does. at times i feeling sucks and still haunting by past mistakes, i keep reminding myself, he is at better place now with better companion. and that makes me feel a bit in ease. will always pray for his happiness. 

i need to get in the right track back, remind myself why am i here. what exactly i want to prove this time. i know this not gonna be easy but i will go through this path no matter how it looks like. this is the beginning.